


I Love The Way You Lie

by twenty3



Series: It Started In Boston [2]
Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Stephen Strange, Hurt Tony Stark, IronStrange, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Sexual Content, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:02:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26681869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty3/pseuds/twenty3
Summary: Follow up to All Hail The Heartbreaker.While navigating their lives together, Tony's kidnapping occurs. And then Stephen's accident. When he leaves, Tony tries to learn to live without him. Again.But of course, they can't stay apart forever.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Series: It Started In Boston [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983097
Comments: 15
Kudos: 132





	I Love The Way You Lie

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello!
> 
> This is the second part to a previous story I've written, All Hail The Heartbreaker. But this can be read independently. All you really need to know from the prior installment (spoiler free in case anyone chooses to read it) is Tony and Stephen met back in college in Boston and had a complicated start to their relationship. 
> 
> I've written this story in the same format, starting with the second part of the story's beginning and then flashing back to the start of the entire thing. It makes for a rather long story, but I post it this way instead of by chapters to try and keep it less confusing, I guess.
> 
> Enjoy, and thank you for clicking!

In hindsight, Stephen wasn’t sure exactly what he had expected to find when he returned home after nearly two years. Or had it been longer?

Time was a funny concept to him now.

It was eerily quiet, but based on the early morning hour, that wasn’t out of the ordinary. The only source of light was coming from the floor to ceiling windows in the living room, where the curtains were standing mostly open. It was hard to see, and obviously what he was looking for wasn’t in the kitchen or living room, so there was really no need to examine anything further.

That’s why he missed all the clues.

The couch, end tables, and coffee table were devoid of any of their usual traces. No half empty mugs of coffee. No tablets, books, papers, or designs strewn about. No sweatshirt left on the back of the couch, or blanket fallen to the floor.

No signs at all indicating Tony still lived here.

But Stephen was ignorant to all of that.

When he entered the bedroom was when he knew.

There was much more light in there. It was plain to see that Tony wasn’t in bed, and hadn’t been for some time. It was neatly made. Which he never, ever did. The pillows were arranged as if for a photo shoot.

No glass of water sat on his bedside table for when he woke up in the middle of the night. His clothes weren’t messily thrown over the arm chair in the corner by the bathroom.

Even though he didn’t need to check to confirm, Stephen went to the closet anyway.

Tony’s side was empty.

Again, with time being a bit harder for him to register now, Stephen wasn’t quite sure how long he stood there. His brain was reminding him of each piece, each possession of Tony’s that had been stored there, right along with his own.

Everything that belonged to Stephen, or once had, was still in its place.

He knew he should shower. Change into fresh clothes. Get some rest.

But he didn’t do any of that. He just kept standing there, staring at the void, knowing the absence of the person who left with the items was going to be far more crushing than what he was currently fixated on.

***

“I didn’t do it.”

This conversation always went the same way. It was always over the phone. Always on a Saturday or Sunday morning. Always far too early as far as New York’s timezone was concerned, never mind three hours even earlier for Tony in California.

Always frustrating for both of them.

Despite his jealous streak, Stephen knew Tony would never be unfaithful. He knew it like he knew his own name. But somehow, that didn’t make it any easier. It was never easy to see the Internet exploding with images and gossip about what, or more specifically _who_ , Tony had done after the latest party or gala out west.

It almost never happened when he was in New York. And the few times rumors had cropped up, they didn’t need to even be discussed. Tony always had the foolproof alibi of having actually been with Stephen, the pair of them more often than not doing the things Tony had been accused of doing with someone else.

Stephen held back his sigh. “What didn’t you do this time?”

“You really haven’t seen?” Tony sounded doubtful.

“I neglected to rush and check my phone for updates on your exploits following my triple twelve hour shift. My apologies, Mr. Stark.”

As soon as he said it, Stephen regretted it. Tony was just trying to nip this all in the bud, for Stephen’s benefit. He always did that. Stephen never had to call him and demand answers. Tony always reached out to start the conversation and prevent Stephen’s imagination from running wild. He knew the other man was just being proactive. But he was too tired to have stopped himself.

The pause on the other end indicated Tony was choosing his next words more carefully.

“Do you want me to tell you, or do you want to look?”

This time, Stephen couldn’t hold back his sigh. “Just tell me.”

“Christine Everhart,” Tony reported bluntly. “She was at the fundraiser. I bought her a drink. We get along now, believe it or not. I still feel awful about what Hammer’s people told the press a few years ago – that doesn’t matter. Sorry. But they’re using new pictures from last night and the old pictures from, uh, that night, of her in my car. I’m wearing a completely different shirt and tie, for fuck’s sake. But nobody other than Pepper is talking about that part.”

“That’s it?” Stephen asked when Tony had finished. “Another story about you fucking an old conquest again?”

He swore he could hear Tony flinch through the phone. Why did he say that? Why was he behaving this way?

Yes, he was exhausted. Yes, he was frustrated that the first time he had been able to talk to Tony in four days was regarding a gossip column, yet again. Yes, he was fed up with the world not accepting their relationship, despite their numerous public appearances and confirmation of it.

But none of that was justification.

“Yeah,” Tony finally said. “That’s it. I just – I don’t know. Habit, I guess. Calling you to make sure you know it isn’t true.”

“How about we agree that you only have to call me when it is true?”

Tony wasn’t sure he had heard correctly. “That’s never going to happen. You know that.” A long silence followed. “Stephen. Tell me you know that.”

Stephen scoffed. “I’m sorry,” he said dramatically. “I guess I’m just sick of talking about how eager everyone is for you to cheat on me.”

“ _I’m_ not eager. That’s not even in the realm of possibilities.” Tony was starting to match Stephen’s frustration. “I’m sorry to throw this at you after such a long shift, but we both know that if I hadn’t called at all it would have been a lot worse.”

“What does that mean? Worse than what?”

“Than you being pissed at me for wasting your time, I guess. I don’t know. You tell me.”

“No, Tony, you tell me. Go on and keep telling me about your night at the fundraiser where you had gorgeous women and men throwing themselves at you. It must have been so stressful, so awful for you. Thank you for sharing it with me. I’m doing fine, by the way. Fortunately not much has changed for me in the four days its been since we’ve spoken.”

Venom dripped from every single one of Stephen’s words. He didn’t mean it. But he couldn’t stop himself, either. He wanted to pick a fight. The urge to yell his head off had been nagging at him for the last twenty or so hours. It was now just being directed at Tony.

Stephen pushed the realization that it was always directed at Tony to the back of his mind.

“Can you just stop?” Tony asked. “What am I doing wrong here?”

“Where would you like me to start?”

“That’s not fair.”

Stephen laughed humorlessly. “Don’t fucking talk to me about fair, Tony. You really think it’s fair that I spend my nights either slaving away at the hospital or sitting up alone worried about whether you’re eating and sleeping enough while you’re flirting with anyone who catches your eye?”

“Are you seriously telling me that you think I’d rather be here than with you?”

“I don’t have to say that. You’ve made it clear that’s how you want it.”

Tony exploded. “Are you fucking kidding me? How can you say that? Every time I try and make a move so that I can be in New York permanently, you talk me out of it. You say that you don’t want me to give up anything. And now you’re using it against me that I have to be here for work -”

“For work? Don’t be ridiculous.”

“You think I like it?” Tony demanded. “Do you really think I like being grabbed at, touched, groped all the time? I don’t. I really fucking don’t. I feel sick to my stomach the entire time I have to be at those things. But I have to be there, because if I’m not these charities and projects won’t get the money they need. So I have to be polite to the women that glue themselves to me and to the men that grab my ass or my dick whenever they get the chance even though I’d rather cut their fucking hands off.”

Stephen listened as Tony struggled to catch his breath on the other end of the line. All the emotion he had been controlled by was now gone, replaced instead with the empty, lost feeling that often accompanied Tony’s absence.

“And then I have to sit here all night, waiting to see what they’re going to say, so I can call you and make sure everything is still okay.” Tony’s voice was now as deflated as Stephen felt. “I don’t know what else to do, Stephen. I really don’t. Just tell me and I’ll do it. Whatever you want. Just tell me.”

“I want you here,” Stephen said before he even realized he was going to speak. “I want to get into bed with you and not leave for days, but we can’t -”

“I land in an hour.”

A moment passed while Stephen processed that. “You what?” he asked dumbly.

“I land in an hour,” Tony repeated. “I figured if I was going to stay up all night panicking, I might as well do it on a plane going to you. I, uh, I was just waiting to see how this went before I mentioned it in case I was better off just turning around.”

Stephen felt tears stinging his tired eyes. “Please don’t turn around.”

“I’m sorry,” came Tony’s reply.

“Don’t apologize either. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just an asshole. I’m tired and sore and I miss you so much it actually hurts and I can’t...fuck. Just get here safe, okay?”

A shaky breath preempted Tony’s response. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Stephen responded without hesitation.

They hung up before either of them could retreat to their earlier anger. Stephen remained in the kitchen, not having made it past the threshold of the apartment before Tony called. Now, he didn’t have any energy left to go into his bedroom. _Their_ bedroom.

It was technically Stephen’s apartment, but had become theirs a year after they reconciled. Tony kept his own place in the city for that initial time, but had rarely, if ever, spent the night there. There was never any doubt that his real home was wherever he could be with Stephen, and after repeatedly voicing that, Stephen finally believed him and all but begged him to just move in.

That was a year ago. The first year had gone by so fast, was such a whirlwind of them finding their footing in their new relationship. New only in that they were both finally outwardly admitting that it was, in fact, a relationship. They kept it quiet for a long time, neither of them wanting to deal with the publicity they would face at revealing their involvement.

Unsurprisingly, it had been Tony who had convinced Stephen that there was a marked difference between keeping their relationship private and keeping it a secret.

It hadn’t been easy, and still wasn’t. There seemed to be new obstacles every day. Two years in, and they were still dealing with things that should have been quashed in the first few months.

But nothing had ever been simple for them, and it seemed it never would.

Stephen was ripped from his thoughts by the sound of a key in the door. He was on his feet as it was opening to reveal Tony stepping in, a shy and exhausted smile on his pale face.

It was obvious he was wearing the same suit he had attended the fundraiser in, even though his jacket was missing. Tie loose, sleeves rolled up to reveal his forearms. Shirt and pants wrinkled from the flight.

Despite looking so worn out, Stephen was still convinced Tony was the best thing he would ever lay eyes on.

“Hi,” Tony said quietly.

The single word snapped Stephen to attention. He realized he was still standing next to the island, rooted to the spot. But once Tony spoke, he was moving, drawing the shorter man into a tight embrace.

No luggage accompanied Tony. He kept a set of everything he could ever need in both New York and California. It made it easier for him to just set off whenever he needed or wanted to, in either direction.

With Tony now engulfed securely in his arms, Stephen let out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding.

“Hi,” he replied, burying his nose against Tony’s neck to inhale his scent.

No more was said for a few moments. They just stood there, hugging each other as hard as they could. It was only when Tony felt the trembling in Stephen’s shoulders and arms that he pulled back, looking up at his boyfriend with concern.

“What can I do?” Tony asked as he moved his hands to where Stephen’s neck curved into his shoulders, kneading the tension there gently.

A wave of emotion choked Stephen up. Just over an hour ago, Stephen had been awful to Tony. Doing whatever he could to make him feel terrible for something that hadn’t even happened. And now, here he was, having flown all night across the country just to see Stephen.

“I don’t...I don’t need anything,” he stammered. “Just you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at -”

“It’s okay,” Tony cut him off softly. “I get it.” When Stephen went to argue that it wasn’t okay, Tony kept him quiet with a firm kiss.

Their lips meeting made Stephen feel like he was going to melt right through the floor. Every time they spent a long stretch apart, it accumulated with the rest. Days and weeks and months, now years stacking on top of each other.

It was making Stephen terrified that they would crumble under the weight of it all.

But Tony quashed that anxiety effectively. Every single time.

This being no exception.

Slowly, Tony lead Stephen through the apartment to the bedroom. Once the door was closed behind them, Tony set to work on Stephen’s clothes. The doctor was down to only his boxers by the time they walked into the bathroom, prompting him to start on Tony’s shirt.

Within minutes, they were both under the steady spray of the hot water. Tony kept massaging Stephen’s muscles, using his strong hands and the warmth of the shower to ease Stephen’s tension. He was standing behind him, pressing his lips to the wet skin after his hands passed over.

“This is where I always want to be,” Tony mumbled. Stephen almost hadn’t heard him over the rush of the water. “Wherever you are. That’s all I want. You’re all I want.”

Stephen was glad he wasn’t facing Tony. He could feel his cheeks were flushed, and it wasn’t just because of the heat all around them.

He was ashamed.

How could he ever question Tony’s intentions? His loyalty?

Spinning slowly, Stephen turned to face Tony. He looked into those deep brown eyes and felt like he was going to cry. The love he felt for the other man was almost overwhelming. He didn’t know what to say, or do, or think.

All he knew was that he loved Tony, and wished he could be better for him. For them.

But he wasn’t sure how to do that at the moment, so instead, he opted for kissing Tony as soundly as he possibly could.

Hoping that everything he was feeling, everything he was thinking could be conveyed through his lips and tongue against Tony’s. He threaded his fingers through Tony’s wet hair to hold him in place, pressing their bodies together at every inch.

Even though he wanted Tony in this moment, always wanted Tony, he didn’t escalate it past passionate kissing.

Because he was well aware of how dysfunctional their relationship could be when it came to the physical side of things. Make up sex was one thing, but this wouldn’t be that. It would be Tony trying to prove to Stephen he was faithful, that he was only interested in him.

And that wasn’t right.

So he slowed things down before it got too far. He could feel the weariness he himself was feeling radiating off Tony as well. Neither of them had slept. Being together was more important than what they were doing together.

The thought of being too tired for sex would have made both Tony and Stephen laugh hysterically when they first met. Their record was seven times in a row. The desire for one another never faded, never even flickered.

But they weren’t in their twenties anymore.

And although the distance that was often between them definitely added fuel to the fire more often than not, sometimes, it just left them drained.

They were both so drained.

After vacating the shower just before the water started to turn cold, they went back into the bedroom and dressed in silence. Tony pulled on his own boxers and sweatpants, but chose his favorite of the t shirts he had stolen from Stephen over the years. It brought a smile to Stephen’s face, knowing he always did that because it brought him comfort.

“Have you eaten?” Stephen asked, breaking their prolonged silence.

Tony shook his head. “No, but I’m not hungry,” he answered, knowing Stephen wouldn’t be either.

Without needing further discussion, they crawled under the covers, letting their legs tangle together and laying facing one another. For a long time, they just looked at each other, fighting to keep their heavy eyelids open.

“I think sometimes you seriously underestimate how much I love you.”

Tony’s words hung heavy in the air between them. He had a knack for saying gut wrenching things out of nowhere. But Stephen couldn’t blame him. He knew it was part of who his boyfriend was, and that it was really based around his comfortability with Stephen.

Dropping his eyes, Stephen swallowed hard. “I don’t mean to. I just...it’s hard.” He couldn’t put any more words to it than that.

“I know,” Tony agreed sadly. “And I know I make it harder.”

“You don’t,” Stephen argued, talking over Tony. “You do more for this relationship than I do, you always have. It’s always you flying across the country to be here with me. I’ve only ever gone to California -”

“Stop,” Tony almost begged. He lifted a hand, reaching up to brush his fingers through Stephen’s short hair. “I don’t want to argue about why it’s hard. It just is. But it’s worth it, right?”

The uncertainty that was at the end of Tony’s question tore right to Stephen’s heart.

“Yes,” Stephen said immediately. “It is. We wouldn’t keep fighting it if wasn’t worth it.”

“Do you think we would fight less if I was here more? If I was here all the time?”

“I don’t know,” Stephen answered honestly. “That was a cheap shot earlier. I shouldn’t have said that, because I don’t want you to give anything up for me.”

Tony huffed. “You’re such a fucking idiot.” The harshness of the words themselves didn’t match Tony’s tone. Stephen was slightly taken aback. “I’m not giving anything up,” he continued. “I’m gaining everything being able to have something closer to a normal life with you.”

“But what if we can’t have normal?” Stephen asked, surprising himself.

Tony’s eyes seemed to darken at the question. “Is that what you’re scared of? That even if I’m here we’ll still fight, or might fight even more?”

Stephen answered a little too quickly. “I’m not scared. Not exactly. I just...when there’s change with us, that’s when things get dicey. Like back when I was graduating and going to med school. And then when you were going to start spending more time in New York. I always fuck up when it changes and I don’t want to do anything like that to you again.”

“So don’t.”

The simplicity of Tony’s words struck Stephen as hard as if he had spoken volumes. Of course, that was easier said than done. Despite his love and adoration for Tony, he still hadn’t completely steeled himself from his old ways. Neither of them had.

It just wasn’t that straight forward.

Stephen’s eyes stayed trained on Tony’s for a long time, to the point where he doubted if either of them would be able to keep them open for much longer.

“Okay.”

Tony blinked once. “Okay what?”

“We’ll figure it out,” Stephen answered. He reached out, gathering Tony in his arms and drawing the brunet against his chest. “But not right now. We both need sleep.”

By way of response, Tony sighed in content and nuzzled into the warmth of Stephen’s skin. He ducked his head under Stephen’s skin and wrapped an arm securely around the lean waist pressed against his own.

“Tell me again.”

The request from Tony was almost too quiet for Stephen to have heard, but he did. He always did.

He pressed his lips to Tony’s damp hair and held him even tighter.

“We’re going to make it.”

***

He never meant to lie.

He never meant to let his mind run so wild and off course.

He never meant to hurt Tony.

Again.

But he had, and he was left with the emptiness of his actions.

Tony hadn’t left a note. However, to be fair, neither had Stephen. The now sorcerer had just up and left, emptying their joint bank account without so much as a head’s up and hopping on the plane to Nepal.

This was after Tony spent months by his side, doing everything he possibly could to help him.

This was after Stephen had undergone seven useless surgeries and depleted every last cent of his own money.

Stealing what was mostly Tony’s money was never Stephen’s intention. He had refused to let him help pay for any of his medical bills, and had started exploring other options to pay for his next surgery when he stumbled upon the notion of Kamar-Taj.

There was no hesitation at that point. Stephen withdrew all but a thousand dollars from their account so that it wouldn’t be closed. It would give him time to get the ticket and get on the plane before Tony realized.

Before Tony could try and stop him.

Looking back, Stephen couldn’t process the things he had done. The things he had said. Most of it had been in a pain killer induced haze, but not all of it.

There were plenty of moments he could recall vividly, no matter how much he wished he couldn’t.

***

Chapped lips were making their way across Stephen’s jaw, along his neck, and now to his collarbones. Without opening his eyes, his hand found warm skin and drew the firm body it belonged to against his own.

“I thought you had a flight to catch?”

A gentle nip to Stephen’s shoulder followed. “I do,” Tony muttered into his chest. “But the thing about owning the plane is that it takes off when I tell it to take off.”

Some quip or another had been building on Stephen’s tongue, but he was stopped abruptly by Tony’s mouth finding his nipple, making Stephen’s breath stutter in his lungs.

“I could be responsible,” Tony mused before kissing across pale skin to the other nipple. “If you would rather I get out of here as opposed to continuing with my work.”

Stephen’s fingers curled into Tony’s long hair while the brunet flicked his tongue across the hard bud. His hips rolled up on their own accord, finding Tony already as hard as he himself was.

A huff helped Stephen find his voice. “I never want to get in the way of your genius. What do I care when your flight leaves? I’d rather you weren’t going at ah – fuck! God, Tony.”

While Stephen had been rambling, Tony had kissed down his body and was now mouthing at his erection over his boxers. The bulge twitched appreciatively at the attention. Stephen watched as Tony’s eyes flicked up to meet his, his pupils blown so wide that the usual brown depths appeared black.

A tug at his hair signaled Stephen’s desires. Tony wasted no time ridding him of his boxers before sheathing Stephen’s long dick in his willing mouth.

He went almost agonizingly slow. Going inch by inch, up and down, until he was finally taking the whole length down the back of his throat, the muscles spasming perfectly around the throbbing flesh. Stephen’s breathing became ragged, pants more than anything, as he watched the sight before him.

When he was dangerously close to the edge, he tightened his grip in Tony’s hair and pulled just short of too hard. Tony stopped, but didn’t pull away. His mouth was full of Stephen’s cock as he looked up, staying perfectly still, awaiting further instruction.

“Get up here.” Stephen had to swallow before finishing his demand. “And fuck me.”

Tony groaned around the dick in his mouth at those words. His only hesitation was in removing his own boxers before covering Stephen’s body with his own, kissing him hard. Stephen’s knees feel to the side, welcoming Tony between his legs. They kissed as Tony’s hand found it’s way to Stephen’s entrance, somehow already utilizing lube without Stephen having realized Tony reached for it.

With just two fingers working Stephen open, he had had enough.

“Tony,” he begged. “Please. I need you. I’m not going to last long enough if you don’t take me now.”

If it hadn’t been for their activities the night before, Tony would have objected. Risking hurting Stephen was never an option. But he could feel how loose and wet he still was from only a few hours prior and knew Stephen’s body as well as his own at this point.

So he slicked up his aching dick before bracing himself on either side of Stephen and sliding into his perfectly tight heat. He bottomed out easily, taking three deep breaths before starting to move.

Stephen’s long legs wrapped around Tony’s waist, giving him extra leverage to meet each thrust. Tony’s pace was steady, but every stroke hit deep inside Stephen’s body and dragged back out against all the right places.

“Nothing has ever felt as good as you,” Tony praised against Stephen’s neck. “Fuck, baby, you’re so perfect.”

Any chance at a response from Stephen was preempted by Tony wrapped his hand around Stephen’s neglected dick and stroking it in time with his own hips. He used the perfect amount of pressure, squeezing at the base and twisting his wrist when he got to the head.

“I’m so close, Tony,” Stephen warned.

At that, Tony slowed down just enough to prolong the inevitable. His movements became more shallow, more languid. The change drew a low moan from Stephen, but he didn’t want it to be over just yet either.

“That’s it baby, let me hear you.” He drove into Stephen hard. “I love you,” Tony swore, his lips hovering over Stephen’s. “So fucking much.”

Stephen surged up, licking into Tony’s mouth. “I love you, Tony. Make me come with you.”

As his head fell forward to Stephen’s shoulder, Tony’s hips jerked quicker. He drove his thumbnail into Stephen’s slit and hammered against his prostate until the man beneath him came with a cry of Tony’s name. The body clenching around him brought Tony over the edge, spilling deep into Stephen’s pliant body.

Somehow, Tony managed to keep from collapsing onto Stephen. His arms started to shake with the exertion, but he was focused on grinding them through their orgasms while Stephen writhed beneath him.

It took several long minutes, but eventually their breathing started to return to normal. Tony’s took a bit longer because he wouldn’t stop pressing kisses to Stephen’s neck, shoulders and chest. He reluctantly pulled out of Stephen before either of them became too oversensitive and shifted to his left slightly before laying down, still half on top of his lover.

Stephen’s hand trailed up and down Tony’s spine. His eyes fluttered, struggling to stay open through the blissful haze. It was only when the stickiness between them was becoming more obvious did he speak.

“How late are you?”

A sigh escaped Tony’s lungs and fell against Stephen’s arm. “You know I don’t care.”

When Tony started to move, Stephen wrapped his arms around him and pulled him as close as he could. He didn’t want Tony to see the look he knew was on his face.

The look begging him not to leave.

“I’m going to be back before you know it,” Tony said softly. Turns out, he didn’t need to see Stephen’s face to know what he was thinking and feeling. “I’m sorry this got stuck in the middle of your time off. But I promise, Stephen, when I get home there will be ten full days of just us. No interruptions. No distractions.”

“I know.” Stephen didn’t trust himself to say more than that.

Tony was able to wriggle out of Stephen’s grasp and prop himself up to look at his boyfriend. “I’ll stay.”

Stephen shook his head. “Tony, I know -”

“You’re more important to me. You always have been and always will be. I’ll do whatever I have to to prove that to you.”

“You already have,” Stephen replied immediately. “You do, every day. It’s not that I think you’re choosing this over me. I want you to be able to have both. You do have both. I just...miss you. Especially here. This is your house, and when you’re not here it feels so empty.”

Tony sat up more fully. “This is _our_ house. Just like it’s _our_ apartment in New York. And I’m the one who asked you to come here, to get some sun and get away from the city and now I have to run off for this stupid fucking -”

“It’s not stupid,” Stephen cut in. “Nothing about your work is. Inconvenient timing, maybe. But you’ll be back tomorrow night, yeah?”

A second passed while Tony nodded. “Yeah. Land. Presentation. A meeting. Maybe some food. Then I’m right back.”

“I think I can manage in a mansion, with a pool and private beach access, for twenty-four hours.”

The beginnings of a smile ghosted on Tony’s lips. “Well then I guess I’ll be on my way then. Leave you to it.”

Stephen fought a smirk. “You really should shower first.”

“Good point,” Tony agreed, leaning forward to brush his lips against Stephen’s. “Care to supervise?”

As if he actually had to ask.

With Tony gone, Stephen wasn’t quite sure what to do. He felt comfortable enough in the Malibu estate, but nothing was as fun without Tony around. He did some laps in the pool. Sat in a chair in the shade, reading a book he had brought with him. Went down to the beach for a short walk before deciding to head back up to the house to find something to eat for dinner.

He was staring into the mostly empty fridge, shaking his head and considering takeout when his phone chimed on the island behind him.

The tone told him without needing to look that it was a text from Tony.

Stephen smiled as he picked it up, trying to keep down the hope that it was Tony telling him he was blowing off the rest of his responsibilities to head home early.

What came onto the screen made Stephen’s heart stop beating.

**_I’m so sorry Stephen they came out of nowhere I don’t know what’s going to happen please don’t_ **

He read it no less than a dozen times. It didn’t make any sense, and yet Stephen knew exactly what it meant. But he couldn’t believe it, couldn’t accept it.

All seven of his attempts to call Tony went straight to voicemail.

The same with Rhodey.

Pepper hadn’t heard anything either. She tried to assure Stephen that maybe it was a misunderstanding, maybe he was reading too much into it. But he could tell from her voice that she was as terrified as he was.

Two hours after he got Tony’s incomplete text, Rhodey called.

“Where’s Tony?” Stephen demanded by way of greeting.

“I’m so sorry.”

The pair had known each other for the same amount of time that Stephen had known Tony. Since college, back in Boston. Decades. And Stephen had never heard the Air Force lieutenant ever sound like this before.

“Rhodey,” Stephen said, his voice breaking. “Where is he?”

A shaky breath came from the other end of the line. “There was an ambush. We were attacked. I don’t...Tony’s gone. They took him.”

Stephen wasn’t sure if he asked any of the million follow up questions that started churning in his head. All he was sure of was his lungs felt like they were going to burst and his head was spinning.

“We think we’ve narrowed down the group that did this. Everyone here and back there is on it. There hasn’t been any communication yet.” A pause. “Stephen?”

“He’s gone?”

There was no recognition of his own voice. Surely something that broken couldn’t have come from him.

“I swear to you, Stephen, we will find him. I am going to find him. I’m not leaving without him.”

Hours could have passed. It could have even been days. Stephen didn’t know.

All he knew was that he had stood in the kitchen in California, staring down at his phone as if Tony was going to send him another message that this had all been some sick joke.

At one point, at JARVIS’ urging, Stephen dragged himself upstairs to the bedroom he had been in with Tony what felt like just seconds ago. He collapsed, the weight of the crushing realization settling in. Sobs racked his body as he clutched Tony’s pillow to his chest, trying to keep the thought of what was happening away. But he couldn’t.

Tony wasn’t coming home.

Half a world away, Tony was slowly waking up in a dark, cold cave, finding the battery implanted in his chest.

He had no idea where he was or what was going on.

All he knew was that he had broken a promise to Stephen.

***

It wasn’t FRIDAY’s fault for not alerting Tony.

She had no idea who Stephen Strange was. It had been by design, actually.

After the accident, after Stephen disappeared and showed no signs of coming back, Tony did what he could to remove all traces of the other man. When JARVIS was attacked and then somewhat became part of Vision, Tony uploaded FRIDAY without the information pertaining to that certain aspect of his life.

So Tony was taken totally off guard when the elevator doors opened to the lobby and revealed his ex-boyfriend standing there.

The doors stayed open while Tony just stood there, sure he was dreaming. Or hallucinating. Either way. It just couldn’t be true.

“Tony.”

His head started pounding. For a moment, his vision swam and he thought he might pass out. But somehow, he managed to keep himself upright.

“You can’t be here.” Tony wished his voice sounded more forceful than it actually did. “Leave. Now.”

Stephen held up his trembling hands defensively. “I just want to talk to you.”

Tony finally stepped out of the elevator, forcing Stephen to take two steps back. “I don’t give a fuck what you want,” he spat.

“Please.”

The lone word effectively delivered all the pain and anguish Stephen was currently feeling, and had been feeling since he got on the plane to Nepal almost two years ago. Tony couldn’t help but make note of how pale the other man was, how much leaner he appeared. The muscles under his shirt were much more pronounced than they had ever been. But that wasn’t anywhere near important right now.

Instead of replying, Tony turned and stalked away. Stephen followed after a moment, letting Tony lead him to a small empty office around the corner from the reception area. He walked in, turning to face Tony as he shut the door with more force than was necessary.

“I just want to ex-”

“No,” Tony cut him off forcefully. “This isn’t for you. This is for me. I get to talk, not you. If you have a problem with that, then I’m gone.”

Stephen opened his mouth, but shut it when Tony moved towards the door. So instead he nodded silently.

Tony took a deep breath and let it out slowly to try and rid his eyes of the tears that had built up there, but with no success.

“I know I should have seen it coming,” Tony started, his voice already weak and defeated. “Especially after Afghanistan, and becoming Iron Man. You did everything you could to tell me other than outright say you weren’t happy anymore. But I just kept trying, and failing, to make everything okay.”

Stephen wanted to argue. He wanted to protest and tell Tony how wrong he was. But he knew he couldn’t. There was no doubt that Tony would leave this room and Stephen would never see him again.

So he had to just stand there and listen.

“I was always fine with the fact that you never loved me the way I loved you. It’s illogical to think two people will ever feel exactly the same way about one another. But I just thought...” Tony tried to take another deep breath. “I convinced myself that I could make it enough, that I could make myself be enough for you. And I have no idea how I ever did that, because you’ve always made it abundantly clear that that’s never going to be the case.”

The built up tears finally started to fall from Tony’s eyes.

“For two fucking _years_ , I had no idea if you were alive or dead. Do you know how many times I thought about what would be worse – you being dead, or just being somewhere else living a life you chose without me? I still don’t know how I ever got myself to function again. And the worst part is that you knew exactly what you were doing to me because you had to go through it. When I was kidnapped. You know what it’s like. Or, at least, I thought you did. Until I remembered that you don’t love me. And then I understood how you did it.”

“I do love you,” Stephen said, unable to stop himself. “That’s not what this was about, Tony. Please just let me explain.”

Tony shook his head. “There’s nothing to explain. There’s nothing to talk about. We’re done.”

It shouldn’t have been a surprise to Stephen to hear Tony say that. But it felt like a punch to the gut.

“No,” Stephen begged. “Please, you don’t understand.”

“Yes. I do. I finally understand. You made yourself clear that night back in Boston, but I just didn’t want to believe it. Now I know I have to, no matter how much it fucking kills me.”

The panic Stephen felt welling up was moments away from becoming overwhelming. He should have been more prepared, but he just never let himself believe that he wasn’t ever going to be able to make this right.

“I love you,” Stephen pleaded more than said. “More than anything. You know that. I just – please, Tony, I can explain. I know it won’t excuse this, or make it all magically better, but you need -”

“Do you even realize how often you tell me what I need?” Tony interjected. “It’s actually funny that you keep doing it, because you clearly have no idea what I need, nor do you seem to care unless it benefits you.”

Stephen shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. Just listen to me -”

“No.” The definiteness in Tony’s voice stopped Stephen mid-sentence. “There’s nothing you can say, Stephen. There’s nothing to salvage, nothing to fight for. The apartment is yours. Your bank account has enough money for whatever you need. I’m not involved anymore. This is over.”

“Please don’t do this,” Stephen wanted to yell, but his voice was barely above a whisper as Tony pulled the door open.

“I didn’t do this. You did.”

And with that, Tony was gone.

***

Every breath Tony took coated his throat and lungs in dirt. He lay perfectly still, certain that the pain was going to kill him any second now.

His chest felt like it had been lit on fire. His neck could be broken, for all he knew, from the countless times they had held him under water by it. The gashes on his back from the whips would surely never heal and be infected within a day.

Why didn’t they just kill him?

As he became more aware, he remembered. They wanted him to do something. Build something. The missile he came here to present to the military.

That felt like it had been years ago. Yinsen, the man who saved his life, told him it had only been about three weeks ago. But there was no way that was right.

It couldn’t have been less than a month since he had seen Stephen.

Tony wracked his brain to try and remember the last thing he had said to him. The hastily typed text notwithstanding, because Tony had no way of knowing if he had actually ever sent it or not.

He couldn’t remember.

All he knew was that it hadn’t been _I love you_ or _I’ll miss you_ or anything else reflecting those sentiments. It had probably been some stupid remark, a sarcastic comment that drew a smirk to Stephen’s face, but left the important things unsaid. 

Back in an empty California mansion, Stephen was thinking the same thing Tony was.

But he was ripped from his thoughts by Pepper clearing her throat from where she stood awkwardly in the threshold of the living room.

“I’m so sorry to bother you,” she said quietly. “I wasn’t sure if you were still here or not. JARVIS hasn’t been responsive.”

Stephen nodded slightly. “That started a couple days ago. I think. I can’t be sure.”

Tony’s AI made no attempt at clarifying the situation. He was too distraught to be functioning properly.

“I should have called,” Pepper said. “I just stopped by for some paperwork Tony has in his lab.” She chewed her lip, seeming to consider whether or not to elaborate.

Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. Stephen recognized her discomfort, but wasn’t sure what he could do about it. She was just as upset as he was, he knew that. But there seemed to be no way for him to comfort her.

Even still, he stood from where he was sitting on the floor, leaning back against the couch and shoved his hands in the pockets of the sweatpants he was wearing.

If Pepper noticed that they were too short for him, and almost certainly Tony’s, she didn’t mention it.

“Of course,” he finally said with a small nod. “Is there anything I can do? To help you?”

That seemed to make up Pepper’s mind about whatever was hanging on the tip of her tongue.

She looked down at her hands, which were wringing themselves together in front of her. “The lawyers for the company are anxious to know what’s going to happen if...” she trailed off, keeping her eyes down. “They want to be prepared in the event of handling Tony’s affairs.”

“It’s only been three weeks,” Stephen protested.

Pepper looked up at him. “I know. I agree with you. It’s too soon to be making any decisions. But the company has articles in place to handle a situation like this. Someone needs to be in charge in his absence.”

“And who is that?”

“Obadiah.”

Stephen scoffed at that. “Of course. Let me guess. He wants to see Tony’s will, all of his financial paperwork so that he knows exactly how much extra money he’s going to have to work with.”

“No one except Tony’s private attorney has access to either of those documents,” Pepper replied, her voice soft and even. She knew Stephen wasn’t upset at her. “Obadiah might have some control over the company, but not total control. There’s still the board of directors. But even still, he can’t get near Tony’s assets. Especially since he’s not accounted for in his will.”

That made Stephen raise an eyebrow. “How do you know that?”

Pepper smiled slightly. “ Tony worried about what to do for weeks. He wanted to create a palimony agreement, but didn’t think you would sign i t . So he just did it all in his will.”

“I don’t understand,” Stephen said after a prolonged silence.

“I’m sorry to drop this on you,” Pepper said sincerely. “But I guess it’s better you know now in case...” she let the thought hang in the air unfinished. “The apartment in New York is obviously yours. This house. Most of his money and stocks in the company. Control over at least three of the foundations. He set it up to leave pretty much everything to you.”

S tephen tried to swallow, but his throat was too dry. “I didn’t know that.”

“It’s not going to matter,” Pepper said resolutely. “Rhodey is going to find him. Tony’s going to come home.”

It took too long for Stephen to respond. He nodded once. “Yeah.”

Hours later, when Stephen finally forced himself to lay down in bed and pretend like he was going to get some sleep, Tony began putting his plans in motion.

It would take weeks. Months, really. But he was going to keep his promise to Stephen, albeit belated.

As it turned out, Stephen didn’t mind. Because Tony was coming back.

When he got the call from Rhodey, he was just about to get in the shower after his fourth shift back at the hospital. He hadn’t wanted to go back to work, but blew through his time off and was in danger of losing his position.

Ninety-seven days was a long, long time.

“We got him.”

The words knocked Stephen’s legs out from under him. He collapsed to the floor of the bedroom, barely able to keep himself from toppling all the way over.

“Tony? You found Tony?” he demanded.

An almost hysterical laugh came from Rhodey on the other end of the line. “Yes. He’s okay. We’re cleared to take off in just under an hour.”

“Can I talk to him?”

Stephen was totally detached from his body. His mouth was working independently from his brain, which was in overdrive at the moment.

“He’s asleep. Passed out, really. He’s okay, just really out of it from the heat exhaustion and dehydration. I don’t think he’ll wake up before we head out.”

The rest of the conversation was a blur. All Stephen could remember was that in roughly twelve hours, he would be seeing Tony again.

Twelve hours too long, if you asked him, but he supposed he would take it.

***

Spying wasn’t the right word. Stalking didn’t quite fit, either.

All Stephen was doing was keeping an on Tony, making sure he was okay.

Things were quiet around the Sanctum. Really quiet. There wasn’t much to do to fill the hours outside of studying and arguing with Wong. So every once in a while, Stephen used his new resources to be sure everything was how it should be.

And, yes, he knew this wasn’t the best of ideas. It was creepy at best, illegal at worst. But despite telling himself that over and over again, he just couldn’t seem to stop.

The degree to which he missed Tony wasn’t controllable any more. It consumed almost his entire waking existence. And even after all that thinking, he still couldn’t figure out a way to fix everything that had gone wrong over the last several handfuls of years.

Maybe he just had to accept there was nothing he could do.

***

Rhodey gripped Stephen by the shoulders almost forcefully, stopping him in his tracks in his pursuit of Tony.

“Stephen, hey,” the lieutenant said in a calm voice. “He’s just down the hall here, alright?”

“Where?” Stephen tried to demand, but his voice came out deflated.

“He’s in a private, guarded room. He wants to get back to California, to the factory, but they won’t let him leave yet.”

“Why?” Stephen asked. “What happened to him? How bad is he?”

“We don’t really know,” Rhodey replied, “because he won’t let anyone near him.”

Stephen shook his head. “Why not?”

“You won’t believe me if I tell you. You’ve gotta see it for yourself. But, Stephen,” Rhodey said, his voice dropping slightly. “He’s...I don’t know the right word. On edge, I guess is the best way to put it. So just take a breath for a second before going in there. He’s all over the place. He needs you to be calm, to be steady for him, okay?”

Somehow, Stephen managed to process Rhodey’s words when he really wanted to throw him out of the way and run to Tony. He stopped himself from doing that, though, and took three deep breaths before his shoulders were released and he was shown to Tony’s room.

Tony was sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, gripping the sheets so hard his knuckles had turned white. He barely had time to lift his head upon hearing the door open and register that it was Stephen before the other man was on the bed next to him, hugging him as hard as he possibly could without causing Tony any additional pain.

Shaky yet strong arms returned the embrace. Stephen’s left hand found the back of Tony’s head, feeling the soft hair under his fingers for the first time in over three months.

The tears came immediately. There was no stopping it. Stephen didn’t even try. And despite his exhaustion and consistent daze, Tony quickly followed suit.

After a long time, but not quite long enough, Stephen released Tony and sat back to look at him. His hand moved to frame his thin, sun burned face. Tony looked back at him with blood shot eyes, clearly struggling to keep a handle on himself, but still forced a smile.

“Sorry I’m a little -” Tony stopped short, a sob choking him up. He winced, the action causing a bolt of pain to shoot through his chest.

Stephen noticed. He dropped his hand from Tony’s face and finally looked at more of his body than just his eyes. It was obvious now that something was under Tony’s shirt. He looked at it for a few moments before looking back up at Tony.

“Are you okay?” Stephen asked, despite knowing it was a stupid question.

Tony wiped away the tears clinging to his cheeks. “Yeah,” he sighed. “I’m fine. Just a little...altered, I guess.”

There was no better way to explain it than to show Stephen exactly what that meant.

If Stephen had eaten anything in the now near thirteen hours since Rhodey had called, he would have surely thrown it back up.

The tissue around the reactor had mostly healed, leaving jagged scars in the wake of the incisions and cuts. The glowing circle of light protruded from the center of his chest, clearing displacing most of his internal organs.

Red lines arched over Tony’s shoulders, signifying the existence of the wounds on his back. Stephen stopped himself from counting the lash marks after he had gotten to twenty-seven.

Any chance at forming words were taken from Stephen’s lungs at the extent of Tony’s injuries. Torture didn’t begin to describe what had been done to him. And Stephen knew there had to have been other methods which hadn’t left a mark, but were far worse.

It wasn’t until Tony’s hands closed around his that he realized he was crying.

“I’m okay,” Tony said, voice as steady as he could make it. “I’m back. That’s all I care about, all that matters to me. I know it looks awful, but I’m okay.”

“What is it?” Stephen asked when he could finally get it through his throat.

Tony took his time explaining the bomb. The shrapnel. The surgery Yinsen performed. The alterations Tony made when he built the reactor.

Stephen shook his head, awestruck. “I don’t understand how you survived that in a god damn cave, Tony.”

“Because I made you a promise,” Tony answered without missing a beat. “That I was coming home to you. So here I am.”

Unable to think of a valid response to that, Stephen leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against Tony’s. His lips were even more chapped than normal, and there was a slight tremble passing through his entire body, but Stephen contended it was a perfect kiss.

“Sorry,” Tony muttered when they broke apart. “I haven’t brushed my teeth in I don’t even know how long.”

Stephen gave him the most unimpressed look he could muster before the doctor in him finally took over. “You need to let them check you out,” he said, but the brunet was shaking his head as soon as Stephen had started speaking.

“I can’t,” Tony objected. “No one can know about the reactor. I’m not letting anyone near it other than you.”

The surety in Tony’s voice couldn’t be argued with. It wasn’t lost on Stephen the symbolism of the entire thing. Tony’s heart was now outside his body, exposed and vulnerable. Not only was it a valuable technology he needed to protect, it was also keeping him alive.

“I just need to get back home,” Tony continued, “to California, to my lab. We have everything we need there and you can run any test you want. But only you.”

Stephen knew he should argue. He knew he should strap Tony down, hook him up to an IV, and not let him leave for at least a week until he was satisfied he was okay.

But he couldn’t bring himself to do that.

Tony was gone. For over three months. He was clearly emotionally unstable at the moment and needed to know that he had someone he could trust. Rhodey was a given. Now he just needed that extra step, that additional level of support that only Stephen could provide.

So against his better judgment, Stephen nodded. “Okay. But you’re getting an IV on the plane and not doing a god damn thing until I tell you you can.”

The smile that crossed Tony’s face was genuine. “You’ve got a deal, Doc.”

Of course, Tony didn’t keep to that deal. But in the beginning he did. On the flight back to California, Tony laid down in the bedroom on the jet, one hand hooked up to an IV, the other clutching Stephen’s as if he was getting his strength from him and not the medicine flowing into his veins.

***

It took a grand total of two minutes and eleven seconds for Peter to realize Tony wasn’t himself.

“Mr. Stark?” he asked tentatively from his usual seat at the workbench in the Tower’s lab.

Tony kept his eyes down on the tablet in front of him as he scrolled and tapped endlessly. “Yeah, kid?”

“Are you alright?”

That got Tony to actually look up at him. “Yeah. Fine.”

Peter nodded once. “You just seem...distracted, I guess. Which is totally fine. I can go, I don’t want to bother you or anything.”

Tony actually smiled a little. “Kid, it’s been over a year. If you were bothering me, I wouldn’t let you keep coming here, would I?”

“Well, no, I guess not,” Peter conceded.

“It’s nothing you need to worry about,” Tony said with a sigh. “Just personal bullshit.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Peter asked. Tony raised an eyebrow, to which Peter shrugged lamely. “You help me with all kinds of stuff, most of it not even related to this,” he said, gesturing to his suit on the work bench between them and the holograms popping up from the glass table top. “Obviously you don’t have to, but I just want you to know you can. If you want.”

Tony was quiet for so long Peter assumed he wasn’t up for talking. He was about to just get started on the adjustments to the web shooter code when the older man spoke again.

“You know I’m bisexual, right?”

Peter turned his attention back to the billionaire across from him. “Uh, yeah, I guess so? I’ve seen the rumors and everything that have floated around. But I just never really thought too much about it because it never really mattered.”

The sentiment from the teenager made Tony’s heart flutter briefly. “Well, I don’t know if you remember anything about the guy I was dating a couple years ago. He’s a doctor. Or was. A neurosurgeon.”

“What happened?” Peter prompted gently.

“He was in a really bad car accident,” Tony explained. “His hands were basically destroyed, so he couldn’t operate anymore. He tried to fix them with surgery after surgery, but they never got better. Then he...” Tony had to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He just left. He disappeared.”

Peter frowned. “What do you mean?”

“He emptied our bank account and bought a plane ticket to Nepal. That’s all I know. That was two years ago. I never heard from him, never saw him again. Until yesterday.”

“He finally called you?”

Tony laughed humorlessly. “He showed up here, at the Tower. Wanting to talk.”

“What did he say?”

“Not much,” Tony replied bitterly. “I didn’t give him a chance to. I just kind of yelled at him and told him it was over, that we were done.” He took another steadying breath. “This happened before with us. We met in college. I thought we were dating for three years, but he said we were only fu- uh, that it was just a casual thing. He ended it the night before he graduated from Harvard, and then we didn’t see each other for twelve years.”

“But you got back together,” Peter thought out loud more than asked.

Tony nodded. “Not at first. It was complicated for a while, but then eventually, we worked it out. But then I was kidnapped, and things started to go downhill from there. The first two years everything was pretty much good. But the next three...it started to get much harder. And then his accident, and he was just gone.”

Being just sixteen years old, Peter wasn’t quite sure what he was supposed to say or do in this situation. It seemed that Tony just wanted to get what was bothering off his chest more than anything, and Peter knew there really wasn’t any firm advice he could offer the man anyway.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “That really sucks, Mr. Stark.”

Tony huffed a short laugh. “Yeah. It does. But there’s really nothing I can do about it. He made his choice. And I can’t keep letting myself be in a position for him to destroy me over and over again.”

A heavy silence fell as Peter watched Tony staring down blankly at his tablet. He wished he had something to say that would make him feel better, but he knew it didn’t work that way. So he just waited patiently for a few minutes until Tony seemed to shake himself out of it and they set to work. Peter knew enough about the superhero by now to know that working in the lab was a good distraction for him, and he was happy to provide him with something else to think about.

Even if Stephen Strange was still in the back of his mind the entire time.

***

The nightmares started the night Tony announced he was Iron Man.

It was the first night he actually laid down in his bed and tried to sleep. Despite risking his job at the hospital, Stephen stayed in Malibu with him, making increasingly futile attempts to get Tony to rest. After Obie was exposed and eventually stopped (killed), Tony was finally able to take a breath and evaluate the situation to plan for what would come next.

The tears running down Stephen’s face was the only thing that made him shut down the lab and go upstairs to bed with him.

After almost five minutes, Tony was finally able to find a comfortable position. He had started to apologize to Stephen for not being able to cuddle up against him like he wanted to, but was stopped by Stephen’s hand sliding into his and squeezing reassuringly.

“Do you want me to put a sweatshirt or something on?” Tony asked.

Stephen frowned. “What? Why would I want you to to that?”

“To block the light,” Tony replied, his eyes flicking down to the reactor in his chest. “I don’t want it to bother you and keep you up all night.”

“It won’t,” Stephen forced out through the lump that had formed in his throat at the dejected sound of Tony’s voice. “I’ll be fine, Tony. Just try and get some sleep, okay?”

Only two hours of rest followed for Tony before he woke up violently, gasping for air.

Luckily, Stephen was so exhausted that Tony’s abruptness sitting up in bed didn’t disturb him. He was laying facing Tony, one arm tucked under his pillow, the other outstretched towards Tony, but not touching him. For a while Tony tried to calm down and go back to sleep, but it became clear that was impossible.

The dream had just been flashes. Being held under water. The whippings. Yinsen’s head on the anvil, being threatened with the burning coal. Images of soldiers dying from bombs with STARK printed on them.

But the biggest problem was that it was too dark in the bedroom. It took too long for Tony to make out where he was.

In lieu of laying wide awake in bed all night, Tony retreated to the balcony overlooking the ocean. He was sure to only open the door wide enough for him to slip through so that the cool night air wouldn’t wake Stephen. He was only wearing thin sleep pants and a t shirt, but the fresh air felt nice and almost immediately started calming his nerves.

He stayed out there for the rest of the night, staring at the reflection of the moon on the ocean. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t go back inside and be in bed next to Stephen.

Because even then, as early as it still was in this new phase of his life, he knew it was going to drastically alter their relationship.

Looking back, Tony thinks he knew even then that it was the beginning of the end.

***

“Boss, a flagged correspondence has just been sent to your personal e-mail address.”

Tony looked up at the ceiling as he took a long drink from his mug of coffee. “Flagged? Why is it flagged?”

“Based on your settings, Boss,” FRIDAY responded. “The sender is flagged.”

It took a moment longer than it should have for Tony to realize what that meant.

“Oh,” he said dumbly. “Well...what is it?”

“It looks like a series of messages,” FRIDAY answered. “All initially written months and even years ago, but all sent together in one file.” No reply came. “What would you like to do with it?”

Tony shook his head slowly. “I don’t know.”

FRIDAY no longer needed specific instructions in order to come up with a solution. “I have moved it to a secure folder containing only this correspondence.”

A smile immediately came to Tony’s lips. “Thank you,” he said as sincerely as if he had been speaking to a person. “You’re the best, baby girl.”

***

Staying late at work was meant to avoid this confrontation.

Stephen should have known dodging Tony wasn’t going to be this easy.

Over two years had passed since Tony returned from Afghanistan. Since he became Iron Man.

Since their lives changed, forever.

To say that Stephen was proud of Tony would be a vast understatement. But to say that it had been easy would be an outright lie.

Their relationship was strained by Tony’s status way before he became an actual superhero. Constantly being in the spotlight wasn’t something Stephen was used to. Now all of that was multiplied to an overwhelming degree.Which was why Stephen hadn’t told Tony about the dinner he was speaking at that night.

And yet somehow, Tony had clearly figured it out. Stephen could tell just by the way he was sitting in the living room, on the couch, when Stephen returned home.

He looked up and smiled shyly, which made Stephen curse himself all the more.

“I thought you were heading to L.A. tonight?” Stephen asked, innocently enough.

“Yeah, yeah I am,” Tony replied, clearly disappointed with the question. “Just wanted to see you before I left. Wish you luck.”

Stephen nodded once. “Thanks. I better shower and get dressed.”

Almost as an after thought, Stephen diverted his route to the couch and kissed the top of Tony’s head before disappearing to the bedroom. He stayed under the spray of the shower for as long as he possibly could before running the risk of being seriously late, which he didn’t want.

The whole point was for the night to go well, for once.

When he emerged back to the living room, Tony was still sitting on the couch, staring down at his hands clasped together in front of him. He looked up when he heard Stephen enter and forced a smile.

“You look great,” he said sincerely.

For some reason he never could quite understand, Stephen chose that moment to pick a fight.

He rolled his eyes. “Just yell at me already so we can get this over with, alright?”

Tony’s eyebrows knotted together in confusion. “Why would I yell at you?”

“You’re obviously pissed off. Sitting there all quiet and sad to get to me. So just get on with it.”

“I’m not pissed off,” Tony said, his voice even. “I just...why didn’t you tell me?”

It was a valid question. Stephen knew it was a valid question. He had been invited to speak at a society dinner, which was a great honor. They had been dating for four years and were in a serious relationship. And despite that, Stephen hadn’t so much as mentioned it to Tony.

Because he didn’t want him there.

Because he was selfish.

“I didn’t want you to have to try and juggle your schedule to be there,” Stephen lied.

Tony shook his head. “I wouldn’t have had to juggle anything. I would have been able to make it work because you’re important -”

“Jesus Christ,” Stephen interrupted dramatically. “Fine. I don’t want you to come, okay? Are you happy?”

“Uh, no.” Tony replied. “But at least you’re finally being honest.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ve noticed how sick of me you are lately,” Tony answered. “I thought it was because I’ve been busy and haven’t been around enough. I didn’t know it was the other way around.”

Stephen scoffed. “Is it really so awful of me to want one fucking night to be about me?” Tony stared back at him blankly. “Just a few hours where the focus isn’t on you, and Iron Man, and the god damn Avengers? Is it so terrible that I want the Neurological Society dinner where I’m _speaking_ to center around _me_?”

Tony swallowed. “Stephen, I never mean to -”

“I know,” Stephen snapped. “Because you’re so fucking conscientious and caring and perfect to me. You don’t want the attention taken from me. I get that. But it doesn’t stop it from happening. You’re a superhero, for God’s sake. It makes sense. But I just...” he trailed off as his breathing became erratic. “I just want a night away from it. From you.”

He hadn’t meant to add that last part. As soon as he had, he wished he could take it back. Tony looked like he had been slapped. He had to tear his eyes away from Stephen’s to keep tears at bay.

“I’m sorry,” he said so quietly Stephen almost hadn’t heard him. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you and I -” he cut himself off before looking back up at his boyfriend. “You’re not doing anything wrong. I just wish you had said something sooner. I don’t want to cause any more stress for you, I swear. I just want you to be happy, and should have known that my absence was the best way to accomplish that.”

Stephen was stunned into silence. By his own words as much as Tony’s. He had this amazing, wonderful man willing to be by his side at all times, and he just frankly said that he didn’t want that. And why, exactly? Because people would talk more about, and to, Tony than they would him? What the hell did that matter at the end of the day? Was having a few hours of pats on the back worth the look he had put on the face of the single most important person in his entire life?

The thoughts halted in Stephen’s mind when Tony stood from the couch and came over to him. He tentatively hugged Stephen briefly before craning his neck to kiss his cheek sweetly.

“I’ll be gone by the time you get back, I promise. I can stay in California for as long as you want me to. Just, uh...” Tony faltered for a moment. “I’m really proud of you, honey. Have fun.” He stepped back and smiled sadly. “I love you.”

For the next several years, Stephen would constantly wish he had told Tony that he loved him too in that moment.

Because it wasn’t until he showed up at the Tower, after a two year absence, that he ever told him that again.

***

Notwithstanding the emotional turmoil he was experiencing, Tony was determined not to drink.

He wasn’t going to turn back to his old methods of self destruction.

Which was becoming harder and harder now that Tony had started to read the e-mails Stephen sent him.

***

“Did I miss the parts over the last five years where you cut your own hair?”

It was meant as a joke, to lighten the tension. Stephen knew that. But knowing that just made him angrier.

Anger was his default setting at this point. It took a while for it to set in. When he first woke up in the hospital, with a bleary eyed and exhausted Tony sitting next to him, he had been terrified. The pain screaming throughout his body told him he was probably seconds away from death. The look on Tony’s face said that he already had died, and only recently came back.

What he would learn over the next few hours only made matters worse. Tony had been the one to find him. JARVIS alerted him the second his car went off the cliff. He hadn’t yet left for L.A. as promised, and it was only due to that fact that Stephen was still alive. Otherwise, he would have surely died, alone, in his car as it slowly sank into the water.

Through everything – the surgeries, the physical therapy, the pain, the impending prescription pill addiction – Tony was rock solid. No matter what Stephen said to him, about him, or threw at him, Tony never wavered. He never yelled back or showed the slightest signs of impatience.

Stephen was convinced it would be so much easier if he did.

There was already too much Tony had to help him with. Eating. Drinking. Anything else he needed even slightly steady hands for. Letting his hair get longer and beard grow a bit more was at the very end of the list of things he was concerned about.

So he ignored Tony’s question. He ignored Tony a lot lately. He was too focused on the next surgery, the next possibility of being able to get his hands back. That was all he cared about, all that mattered.

It wasn’t lost on him that he was shredding their relationship apart at every twist and turn. As fantastic as Tony was, there would only be so much that he would be able to take. Apparently, as that night would prove, Stephen was determined to push Tony to his limits.

He left his plate of food untouched. Tony ate by himself in the kitchen in silence for the eighth night in a row. Every clink his fork made on his plate sent a wave of frustration through Stephen, but he didn’t say anything, because he didn’t want to waste any energy on Tony at the moment.

It wasn’t until he fumbled open his bottle of pain pills and dry swallowed three of them that the three hour’s long silence in the apartment was finally broken.

“You can’t keep taking those on an empty stomach, honey.”

“You would know.”

Tony’s words had been soft and gentle; Stephen’s laced with venom. His desire to ignore Tony completely was replaced by the need to make the infuriating man feel the same pain he was constantly feeling.

“So do you, Doc,” Tony said, his voice still light. “Take a break from that,” he said, nodding to the tablet on Stephen’s lap. “Eat something.”

“Mind your fucking business.”

The harshness rolled right off Tony’s back. He was as used to Stephen speaking to him this way as he was to the feel of the arc reactor in his chest.

Tony abandoned his spot in the kitchen to slowly make his way over to Stephen. “You are my business. Which I know drives you absolutely insane, but I can’t pretend that I don’t care about you. Just let me help you like you helped me.”

“Are you insane?” Stephen scoffed. “You came back from your kidnapping a god damn _superhero_ , Tony. Infinitely better off than you were when you left. Me, on the other hand, my hands have been absolutely shattered and ruined beyond repair. How exactly do you expect to be able to help me?”

“ Right now, just by getting you to finally eat something,” Tony replied calmly. “ I’ll do whatever you want me to do, Stephen, whatever you’ll let me do.”

Without realizing he was going to, Stephen stood. If Tony had known that he was still stoned from his previous round of pills, which Tony hadn’t seen him take, then the brunet might have retreated. But he was under the assumption that they hadn’t kicked in yet, and the glassy look in Stephen’s eyes was just from staring at a screen all day.

Tony didn’t know just how out of control Stephen’s emotions were, or how desperate he was feeling.

“Whatever I want?” Stephen challenged instead of asked. Tony nodded silently. “You mean that, don’t you?”

“Of course I do.”

Before the impact of what that meant could sink in, Stephen started forward and crossed the living room on legs that felt like they were encased in cement. Tony didn’t have any time at all to recognize what was happening until Stephen claimed his mouth with his own and kissed him hard.

After a few stunned seconds, Tony was able to pull away, but couldn’t get any words out before Stephen kissed him again.

“Make me feel something other than pain,” the taller of the pair all but demanded. His broken, shaking hands clutched either side of Tony’s face. “That’s what I want. That’s all I want from you.”

Now that they were this close, Tony could tell that Stephen wasn’t himself. He was exhausted, completely drained, and very clearly high.  For a brief second, Tony was taken back to Boston, almost twenty years ago, when their positions had been reversed in a very similar situation. 

“Honey, you know we can’t,” Tony attempted, trying to reason with him.

“Don’t  _ honey _ me,” Stephen spat. “Why can’t we? Are you that disgusted by me that you can’t get it up?”

Tony started to shake his head, but stopped when he noted Stephen’s hands still on his face. The chance that moving his head would hurt the other man wasn’t worth the risk. “No. You know that’s not it. You’re not even close to healed. Never mind your hands, but your neck and your back are -”

“I managed,” Stephen cut him off. “Despite the reactor sticking out of your chest, and the scars all over you. I managed to fuck you, didn’t I?”

The voice wasn’t his own. The words certainly weren’t. Someone, or something, had taken over his mind and body and everything that was happening was totally out of Stephen’s control.

Tony swallowed hard. “That was only after I was better.”

“ All you had to do was lay there and let me do all the work,” Stephen pressed on. The only point of this was to hurt Tony. He was well aware of that. And yet, he couldn’t stop. “ I got us both off without any problems. You just laid there, moaning and begging, while I made you come. Don’t you remember that?”

“Stephen, please,” Tony breathed.

The tears on Tony’s face didn’t register with him until he heard Tony’s voice. Stephen hadn’t noticed them, and couldn’t feel them on his hands. He released Tony’s face and stepped back, fighting to maintain this anger so that it couldn’t be replaced with complete and utter despair.

He wasn’t sure what would happen at that point, so he couldn’t let himself get there.

“Please what?” Stephen demanded. “What are you asking me for, Tony? Because whatever the fuck it is, there’s no way I can give it to you.”

Tony shook his head fully this time. “I don’t want you to give me anything. I don’t expect you to be okay with all this going on. I can’t imagine how you feel. But you can’t keep trying to destroy yourself.”

“I’m not trying to destroy myself! I’m trying to get myself back so I don’t lose you!” Stephen exploded.

A stuttering breath escaped his lungs  as soon as the words were out. He was actually relieved now that it was finally out there, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to make Tony understand. 

“ Y ou’re not going to lose me.”

“I will,” Stephen argued. “It was hard enough standing in the spot next to Iron Man when I was the best neurosurgeon in the world, now I can’t even -”

The lurch of his stomach stopped Stephen mid-yelling. His face paled  and simultaneously broke out with a sheen of sweat. He swayed on his feet, but only briefly before Tony was supporting his weight.

Stephen was emptying what little was in his stomach into the toilet before he even registered Tony had all but carried him into the bathroom.  Pain shot through his knees, which were still covered in fading bruises. He was actually grateful for the momentary distraction from the pain in his hands. 

B ut it was short lived. Soon enough, he was sitting on the cool floor, looking up at a kneeling Tony, his own face pale, with tear tracks drying on his cheeks. 

Willing to take the risk, Tony reached out and carefully cupped the back of Stephen’s neck to help steady him.

“You’re alright,” he said softly. “Just take a few deep breaths, okay?”

Instead, Stephen shook his head once. “Promise me.”

Tony blinked. “Promise you what?”

“That you won’t leave.”

“ O f course I’m not -”

“You will. You’re going to want to,” Stephen interjected, “if you don’t already. I’m not you, Tony. I can’t just get through something like this the way you did. I don’t know how, or how to let you help me. And I know this isn’t fair. But I can do this if you promise me you won’t leave me.”

Tony’s eyes held Stephen’s firmly. “Stephen. There is nothing that would make me leave you. I swear. I promise you, baby, that there is nowhere else I’d rather be. On your best day, on your worst day, whatever comes in between.”  His grip on Stephen’s neck tightened just so. “I promise you.”

In the end, Tony kept his promise.

It was Stephen who left.

***

Five times.

That was how many it took Tony to have to read Stephen’s first e-mail to him, which had been written a month after he had left suddenly. Tony’s eyes kept blurring with tears, and he would have to start over to remember what he had already read. His mind was racing and was unable to comprehend more than a few words strung together for the first few readings.

**Tony,**

**I’ve been staring at your name for at least an hour now. I have no idea what to say, so sorry if I just ramble on and on. I’m aware of how selfish this is, how selfish I’ve been. But I just wanted to let you know that I’m alive. I’m safe. And I am so, so sorry.**

**That doesn’t make what I did okay. Not just leaving, either. The way I’ve treated you for the last however many months is unforgivable. I’m not asking for your forgiveness, because I know I don’t deserve it after everything I’ve put you through. All I’m asking for is a chance to explain.**

**Losing my hands is worse than if I had died. I know you disagree with me on that, and I understand why. But being a surgeon is what I’ve worked for since even before you and I met. It was all I cared about, all I thought about, until I met you. And, well, you know how that part went. I couldn’t let anything get in the way of becoming what I always wanted to be, so I didn’t. After all of that, it was taken from me. Yeah, it was my own fault. I was driving like an idiot and upset at myself for what I said to you that night. I get that I deserved what happened. And I know you didn’t.**

**The whole point of this is trying to make myself better. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally, too. Because that is something you deserve. You deserve someone who can behave like a normal human being and treat you the way you should be treated. I can’t do that. I’ve never been able to, no matter how hard I tried. I don’t know why. That’s part of what I’m trying to figure out.**

**At this point, I’m not even sure I’m going to send this to you. Because part of me is hoping that you can move on from me, from everything I’ve done to you. The least I can do is give you that opportunity, that chance, and hope I haven’t ruined your life. Again.**

**I’m sorry, Tony.**

**\--Stephen**

At this point, Tony figured the only thing he could do was keep reading.

***

“You don’t have to do this.”

The mumbled words made Tony pause. He was hovering over Stephen as they kissed, the lean body beneath him spread out in their bed in New York. Their permanent home, now that the mansion had been sunk into the ocean by a fleet of terrorists.

Bracing himself so he could look down at Stephen, Tony licked his lips that had just been moving against the other man’s and caught his breath. Stephen’s hips had moved up off the mattress to press against Tony’s, and the brunet responded in kind by rolling his down to grind slowly against Stephen before his hands slipped under his t shirt and started to slowly push it up.

“Are you saying that because you don’t want me to?” Tony asked hesitantly.

Rocky was cliche, but it was the most apt way to describe their relationship as of late. Stephen’s mood only worsened, and nothing Tony did worked. Leaving him alone brought on a rage just as intense as it did when Tony stayed right by his side. Finding a viable solution to heal Stephen’s hands seemed to be out of reach at this point, but wasn’t something Stephen was willing to accept.

But today had been a good day. Stephen received some promising news on a potential surgery, and he finally let some optimism and joy into his dour facade. Tony made pizza for dinner, one of the few things Stephen could manage without causing additional pain to his hands. They actually held a conversation without an argument starting, and ended up cuddling on the couch watching movies for the rest of the night. While getting ready for bed, Stephen had pulled Tony to him the best that he could, kissing him passionately, trying yet again to convey his feelings through his actions.

Physical intimacy had been greatly limited between them since Stephen’s accident. Tony’s kidnapping and resulting health issues had put a damper on their sex life initially, and since Stephen was released from the hospital, it had been limited to brief bouts of cuddling, a few kisses, and sleeping next to each other in the same bed. Most of the time, anyway.

Of course, Tony showed no hints of frustration or annoyance. Stephen didn’t have much time to be, either, despite what he had said that night several weeks ago. But now, with the possibility of something a bit more finally being there, Stephen was well aware of how much he had missed the feel of being with Tony.

Stephen raised an unsteady hand and gripped Tony’s straining forearm the best that he could. “I’m saying it because I don’t want you to feel like you’re obligated,” Stephen clarified. “I don’t even know if I can...” he trailed off, swallowing hard. “Do everything,” he finished. “What I can is limited. And it’s not fair to you, with the way I’ve been acting -”

A firm kiss stopped Stephen effectively. When Tony started to pull away, Stephen arched up as much as he could without risking pain shooting through his ribs and spine to keep their lips together. He licked Tony’s bottom lip until his mouth opened to him, their tongues sliding together perfectly.

Truth be told, Stephen was a bit surprised at how...firmly...his body was responding. He was afraid that there would be issues on that front, but having Tony above him as they kissed left him feeling like a teenager making out for the first time.

“I miss you,” Stephen breathed against Tony’s lips when they finally parted. “And I know it’s my fault, but I can’t help it. Just don’t...please, Tony, don’t do anything because you think it’s what I want.”

Tony blinked as he looked down at him. “Stephen, I will _only_ do something with you if it’s what you want.”

“Don’t do it _just because_ it’s what I want,” Stephen attempted to clarify. “It has to be what you want, too.”

Tony’s smile seemed to light up the dark room. “It is what I want. You’re always what I want.” Before Stephen could point out all the way Tony couldn’t have him, the genius went on. “I don’t care about what we can’t do. All that matters is what we can. We’re together, Stephen.”

Due to emotion thickening his throat, Stephen wasn’t able to respond verbally. So he went back to kissing Tony, passionately but slowly, while the other man pushed his shirt up a bit more before moving to his sweatpants.

“Do you want me to stop?” Tony asked, voice barely above a whisper against Stephen’s neck. It wasn’t meant as anything other than a sincere question.

“No,” Stephen replied instantly. “Please. Keep going.”

Tony pressed a kiss to the underside of Stephen’s jaw. “Tell me if it’s too much, and I’ll stop. I promise.”

He barely got all the words out before Stephen’s mouth was on his again.

Strong hands slowly toyed with the line where Stephen’s boxers ended and his skin began. The calloused fingers Stephen’s knew all too well felt brand new on the sensitive skin below his naval. Tony skillfully removed the sweatpants, only breaking the kiss momentarily before his warm body covered Stephen’s again. Their hips pressed together perfectly, causing Stephen to start grinding up against Tony’s hardness.

When Tony palmed Stephen’s erection, the later of the pair had to pull away and let a soft moan push its way through his lungs. The pressure felt nothing short of perfect, and it was too soon and not soon enough before Tony’s hand was on the other side of the fabric, fingers wrapping around the base of Stephen’s dick and squeezing before moving up and down slowly.

“Tony,” Stephen breathed, looping an arm around the other man’s neck and shifting his hips to create more contact.

“Is this alright, baby?” The sultry tone of Tony’s voice sent goosebumps across Stephen’s skin. He nodded, almost frantically. “Stephen, can you tell me you’re okay?”

“Yes,” Stephen hissed immediately. “I’m more than okay. Please don’t stop.”

Tony twisted his wrist as he stroked up Stephen’s cock, signaling his agreement. At some point, Stephen’s boxers were removed altogether, but he couldn’t be sure when.

Pre-come began leaking from the swollen head of Stephen’s dick. He would have been embarrassed at how soon in it was, but couldn’t care about anything other than the feel of Tony’s fingers around him and his perfect lips kissing across his neck.

Stephen arched up again, and this time the action caused the muscles in his back to spasm in protest. He gasped, making Tony’s hand stop but not retreat as he pulled back.

“I’ve got you,” Tony assured him. “Just tell me what you need.”

“I want...” Stephen was having trouble forming words. The sensations after so long made his senses feel dialed to eleven. He had to take a deep breath to keep himself from thrusting up again. “Please, Tony. I need to feel more of you.”

There didn’t need to be a discussion for there to be an understanding that sex wasn’t an option. There was no feasible way, no matter how you arranged them, that Stephen’s body was ready for that. But Tony could still give him more, give him what he needed and so desperately wanted.

“Try and stay still for me,” Tony asked before kissing Stephen long and slow. 

His lips moved back to his neck before he started working his way down. He gently nipped Stephen’s chest through his shirt, which he couldn’t remove without unnecessary strain. Soon his lips were back on warm skin, kissing across Stephen’s abdomen before shifting his body so he could reach his thighs.

Just at the point where it was becoming too much attention everywhere other than where Stephen really wanted it, Tony’s tongue lapped at Stephen’s leaking head. He swirled it around slowly, gathering the salty liquid before sucking it into his mouth and pushing his head forward.

As much as Stephen wanted to watch, his eyes fluttered closed as pleasure exploded throughout his entire body. For the first time in months, the pain was replaced by the sweetness that only Tony could bring out of him. His hands twitched uselessly on the bed next to him, unable to grab onto or touch any part of his lover.

But Tony didn’t seem to mind.

Saliva flooded his mouth, easing his way up and down Stephen’s cock. The taste of having his boyfriend against his tongue for the first time in so long was intoxicating. He sucked and licked every inch of the heated flesh, stroking it firmly when he moved his mouth to pay tribute to Stephen’s balls as well.

The bundle of nerves at the base of Stephen’s spine tightened suddenly, threatening to snap at any moment. He tried to breathe evenly, tried to make it last, but the thought of finally coming undone overtook everything else.

“Tony,” Stephen panted. “I’m so close. I’m going to come.”

In order to prevent Stephen from moving too much and causing any pain, Tony slipped his arm onto his stomach and held him down gently.  He opened the back of his throat and hollowed his cheeks before sucking Stephen’s entire cock down, his tongue flat and hot against the throbbing erection.

Stephen opened his eyes to meet Tony’s, and at that moment he came harder than he ever remembered.

His vision blurred out for a few moments afterwards, but all he really missed was Tony cleaning him up and sliding his boxers and sweatpants back up over his hips to where they previously had been. His own ragged breathing coupled with Tony’s brought him back out of his stupor, but his body felt boneless and wasn’t letting him move much, if at all.

A steady hand brushed the hair off Stephen’s forehead, making him open his eyes to look up at Tony. He smiled instantly, eliciting the same from the man above him.

Despite Tony’s best efforts to hide it, Stephen felt his hip bump against Tony’s still very present arousal. Before Stephen could voice an apology or anything of the sort, Tony shifted his body away.

“How do you feel?” he asked, his hand still brushing through Stephen’s hair.

“Incredible,” Stephen almost slurred. “But you’re still hard. I can -”

Yet again, Stephen was stopped with a kiss. “I can take care of it myself, honey,” Tony said with a slight chuckle.

Stephen put his hands on Tony’s shoulders before the other man could move off the bed. “Let me watch you.”

Tony noted, even in the dark, that Stephen’s eyes were still clouded with lust. This was by no means an unusual request. In all of their time together, they had done this countless times before. Tony knew Stephen thoroughly enjoyed it in the past, and it seemed that now was no different.

Without another word, Tony fell to the side next to Stephen as the taller man propped himself up on the pillows resting against the headboard. Tony let his legs fall apart, lifting his left to drape it over Stephen’s thigh.

“Take your time,” Stephen muttered, watching Tony’s every move.

A huff came in response to that. “Easy for you to say.”

Stephen laughed for what felt like the first time in ten years.

He was then distracted from his sudden burst of happiness by Tony gripping his own erection through his joggers. He squeezed lightly until his breathing started to quicken.

Wanting to be a bit of a tease, Tony slipped his hand under the waistband of his pants and boxers, sliding his palm down over his dick, still out of sight from Stephen. His eyes found Stephen’s, but the other man was having a hard time watching anything other than where Tony’s hand had disappeared to.

After a few languid strokes, Tony couldn’t keep this up anymore. He pushed all fabric out of the way, down just enough for his dick to spring free from its confines. His hand was back around it in an instant, and he immediately set a steady pace.

“You have no idea how good you look like this,” Stephen praised. Tony’s hair was tousled, his lips swollen from where they had been stretched around his cock, red from kissing.

Tony moaned, flicking his thumb over the head until it started leaking. He gathered the pre come, using it as lube as he started to stroke himself faster and rougher.

“Stephen,” he groaned, hips jerking up into his hand freely. “Fuck, baby. I could have come just from blowing you.”

That made the breath hitch in Stephen’s lungs. “You’re so perfect, Tony. God. Look at you. Does it feel good?”

“Yes,” Tony moaned, his hand speeding up, making obscene sounds over his straining cock. “So good. I’m close.”

“Good,” Stephen managed through his dry throat. “Come for me, Tony.”

A strangled gasp came from Tony’s mouth as his body went rigid, white streaks spurting from his dick. He squeezed the head before stroking himself through it, biting his lip and locking eyes with Stephen. His come landed on the expanse of skin that was exposed from his shirt riding up, and before he could even register it, Stephen was leaning over him, licking up every last drop.

Tony felt his muscles ripple under Stephen’s tongue, shuddering at the sensation. When Stephen sat up again, Tony kissed him hard, both men moaning at the taste of themselves and each other mingling between their mouths.

The momentum of the kiss allowed Stephen to pull Tony down with him as he laid back onto the pillows. His back protested briefly, but the bliss from his orgasm was still ever present throughout his body and overshadowed everything else.

In a flash, Stephen remembered the first time he had ever kissed Tony. Back in Boston, in the older man’s townhouse, the night his own apartment building had flooded. The same intense feelings were pulsing through him now, as he kissed Tony for what could have easily been the millionth time in their lives together.

“Hey.” His thoughts were interrupted by Tony pulling back and speaking softly. He looked up at the other man, part of him wanting to demand why the hell he had stopped kissing him. “Stephen, you’re shaking.”

“It’s a good shaking,” Stephen responded after realizing Tony was right. “I’m okay.”

Tony nodded slightly. “What do you need?”

“Nothing,” Stephen said, a little too quickly. “Don’t leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Tony promised. “I just want you to be okay.”

“I am.” Stephen used a damaged hand to pull Tony back down to kiss him again. “Because of you.”

He wanted to apologize for every last thing he had done wrong in the last several months. Picking all the fights, blaming things on Tony that he had no control over, being impossible to be around let alone live with.

But somehow he knew that Tony already knew. He had always had this way about him where he was able to read Stephen so well. So instead of rambling on, which Stephen was sure would ruin this perfect moment, he just kept kissing Tony like his life depended on it.

In a way, he thought that it was almost true.

As sleep threatened to overtake them both, Tony was able to maneuver them so that Stephen could sleep comfortably. The taller man moved to his left side, his hands cradled carefully against his chest. He could feel Tony shifting behind him as he pulled his sweatpants back on before tugging the covers up and over the both of them. He cuddled up against the lean body next to him, securely putting his arm across Stephen’s waist and pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

They didn’t talk because in that moment, they didn’t need to. They both let themselves believe that this was the beginning of things getting better, getting back to normal. Whatever normal would mean.

Stephen fell asleep first, with Tony watching over him diligently for a long time. When it became clear that Stephen would remain peaceful, Tony let himself drop off.

For the first time since the accident, they both slept soundly through the night. It was the last time that happened, for either of them, for the next several years.

It was also the last time they slept in the same bed together.

***

**Tony,**

**Another e-mail I probably won’t send to you. I don’t know if it would even go through. Obviously, I deactivated all of my old accounts. I’m sure you know that by now. The reason I did is the same reason I can’t send anything to you yet. You’re too smart. I can’t let you find me.**

**This is going to be a long process, but I think it’s working. Unfortunately, I’m still an asshole, and I don’t think that’s ever going to change. So I don’t know where we can go from here. I realize there’s a strong possibility that there’s no fixing what I’ve done this time. But I’m going to keep clinging to the chance that I’m wrong about that.**

**I keep thinking about you agonizing over what made me run. Don’t. I don’t even know why I did it. It wasn’t even really a conscious decision. I just had to get out of that apartment, out of the city, and try and not give up. I can’t explain it any better than that.**

**I read about Ultron, and Sokovia. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I hope you know that none of it was your fault, although I’m sure you don’t agree with me on that.**

**I wish there was more I could tell you. I guess it doesn’t matter one way or another, because I can’t send this to you. Not yet. Maybe not ever.**

**My biggest regret is not telling you every day for the last five years that I love you. I hope I get at least another five years to do it right.**

**I love you.**

**-Stephen**

***

The panic started to set in around hour five of Stephen being missing.

Was missing even the right word? Tony wasn’t sure. All he could be sure of was he had gone up to the construction site for the compound to see how it was coming along. He wanted to give Stephen a few hours to himself after receiving bad news about the surgery he had been hoping for falling through. The doctor had been up for three straight days more or less, napping occasionally on the couch, but refusing to go to bed, eat, or do anything else except look for his next option.

So when Tony returned to find Stephen gone, he was surprised, but not worried right away. He glanced around for a note, then realized it was probably a waste of time given the state of Stephen’s hands.

“Did he say where he was going?”

“No, sir,” JARVIS replied. “He left about an hour after your departure.”

Later that night, when none of his calls had been returned and Stephen still hadn’t come home, Tony started to get seriously nervous. He could no longer distract himself from his worry and started searching the apartment for any signs of where Stephen may be.

When he noticed a duffel bag and some clothes missing from the closet, Tony’s heart shot up into his throat.

“JARVIS!” he all but yelled. “Track Stephen’s phone.”

Miraculously, Tony had held off on this invasion of privacy up until now. He didn’t have any reason to believe Stephen was in danger and wanted to give him whatever space he wanted. But the obvious missing articles from the closet changed Tony’s worry to outright fear.

“Sir, Doctor Strange’s phone is pinging from the bedroom, just behind you.”

Tony whirled around. “What? It can’t be here, he’s not here.”

His frantic eyes settled on the table next to Stephen’s side of the bed. Tony crossed over to it in record time, pulling the drawer open to reveal Stephen’s phone inside, turned off and placed there among a few papers and empty bottles of pain pills.

“Fuck,” Tony breathed. “Bring up his credit and debit card history.”

A pause. “There hasn’t been any since the last consultation.”

“Then where the hell is he?” Tony demanded.

In lieu of a verbal response, Tony’s own phone chimed from his pocket. He pulled it out quickly, a sense of irrational hope making him think it was somehow Stephen.

What he saw instead was a statement from their joint account, showing that all but one thousand dollars had been withdrawn three hours ago.

The steps Tony took next were nothing short of illegal. Utilizing (hacking) SHIELD’s database allowed him to view the security footage from the bank. He watched as Stephen stuffed the cash into the duffel bag before hailing a cab, which Tony managed to track to the airport before Stephen got out at the international terminal.

Next, Tony switched to the airport’s secure server to follow Stephen. He confirmed through his passport activity that Stephen bought a one way ticket to Nepal and boarded it just fifteen minutes prior to its departure.

He had been well on his way before Tony ever noticed anything was wrong.

After suffering a panic attack for the better part of an hour, Tony started to be able to think clearly again. Stephen was okay, that was most important. Acting bizarrely, sure, but at least he wasn’t in a ditch somewhere.

Or off another cliff.

For the rest of the night, Tony debated with himself whether or not he should follow Stephen. That seemed drastic, but his boyfriend up and leaving for Nepal without so much as a hint as to why was also quite drastic.

In the end, Tony decided not to, because he was afraid it was just push Stephen farther away. So instead, he set to work trying to figure out why Stephen had left so suddenly for a country he had never so much as mentioned before.

The only clue he found was a file littered with the books and papers scattered across Stephen’s desk. Flipping through it, Tony couldn’t figure out why Stephen would have it. He read each piece of paper three times before looking at the name on the tab.

**Jonathan Pangborn**

***

When Tony got to the e-mails about the Civil War, he stopped.

Living through that had been hard enough as it was. He didn’t need to relive it through the eyes of his ex-boyfriend, who was across the world at the time.

Stephen wrote that he was sorry, again, that he wasn’t there for him. After the first handful, Tony realized that it was all becoming redundant. He wasn’t going to find any answers he didn’t already have.

Losing his hands was too much for Stephen to accept. He couldn’t just sit back and let it happen. He was willing to do whatever he had to to get them back.

***

The small machine shop wasn’t hard to find.

He entered through the metal screen door and immediately felt comfortable surrounded by the familiarity of a workshop. Tony looked around slowly, trying to pinpoint where the sounds of hammering metal was coming from.

“Be right with you.”

Assuming it was the shop owner’s voice and the man Tony had come to find, he stayed put. When he heard shuffling and approaching foot steps, he suddenly felt nervous that he was going to leave here in the exact same position he was right now.

“What can I do – holy shit! Tony Stark.”

Tony forced a small smile. He extended his hand, which the other man accepted after furiously wiping down his own with a rag.

“Sorry to bother you so early in the morning,” Tony apologized.

“Are you kidding? I’d open up at three in the morning to meet you, man.” The owner’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What can I do for you?”

“Are you Jonathan Pangborn?”

After a second, the man nodded. “I am.”

Tony held down any flash of excitement. “This is going to sound odd, but can I ask you some questions about someone you might have spoken with?”

“I guess that depends,” Pangborn replied with a shrug.

“Do you know this man?” Tony asked, bringing out his phone and holding it up to show a picture of Stephen, taken a few weeks before the accident.

Pangborn looked at it for a few seconds, and started to shake his head when he stopped. “Wait. Maybe, yeah. But he didn’t look like that. His hair was a lot longer, and had a beard. Listen, Mr. Stark, I don’t want to get involved in anything this guy might have done wr-”

“It’s not like that,” Tony interrupted. “He’s just...he’s gone. He’s my boyfriend, and I’m worried about him.”

“How did you even find me?”

“He had your file.”

Pangborn cocked his head slightly. “So he didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“Where he was going?”

“No,” Tony replied with a sigh. “That’s why I’m here, ready to beg you for anything you might know. I get that this is bizarre, and I’m not here to threaten you or anything like that. I just want to understand, I want to know he’s okay and not...”

Tony couldn’t finish the thought. He wasn’t sure what outcome he was most afraid of, and didn’t want to explore the options. But his expression was very readable, and Pangborn didn’t have any doubts that he was telling the truth. He looked exhausted, unlike any photos or newscast he had ever seen of the billionaire superhero. Tony Stark looked devastated, and almost desperate.

“Let’s take a seat.”

More than willingly, Tony followed Pangborn around a worktable towards the back of the shop. They went into a small office, where Pangborn cleared off an extra chair for Tony before sitting in his own behind his cluttered desk.

“How long has he been gone?” Pangborn asked.

“Almost forty-eight hours,” Tony reported.

Pangborn nodded once. “Wow. You’re fast.”

“I’m highly motivated,” Tony mumbled. “When did you talk to him?”

“Three days ago, maybe four?” he replied, unsure of himself. “I was playing basketball in the park, but I do that four or five times a week. But it wasn’t too long ago. Probably right before he left.”

“Do you know where he went?”

“I know where he’s trying to go.”

Tony shook his head. “What does that mean?”

Pangborn took a deep breath and let it out slowly before delving into the explanation of what he had relayed to Stephen. About his own struggles with his recovery and his desire to elevate his mind to make up for not being able to control his arms and legs any more. He explained his teacher, although he did not name her, and how he was able to make himself walk again.

Silence fell for several moments while Tony tried to process what he was just told.

“You’re telling me you told Stephen all of that, Stephen _Strange_ , a neurosurgeon, and he believed you? And set off for Nepal to find this place?”

Pangborn shrugged. “I don’t know what he did, all I know is what I told him and what you’re telling me now. But I do know the mindset he was probably in, because I was there myself. The only reason I told him anything was because he was even more desperate than I had been.”

“But he’s a doctor,” Tony argued. “I’ve known him for years. He’s not the kind of guy to believe in spirits and healing the body through the power of positive thought.”

“You’re a scientist, right?” Pangborn asked. Tony stared for a second before nodding. “Did you believe in Gods and aliens before Thor, his evil twin brother, and that army of whatever the hell attacked your tower?”

“They’re not twins,” Tony muttered, mostly to himself. He shook his head slowly in response to the question.

“What we know to be fact versus fiction changes a lot more frequently than it used to,” Pangborn added. “And it’s a lot easier to start believing in things you never did when it’s your only remaining option.”

After processing this for a moment, Tony thanked Pangborn for his time and took his leave. He meant to head back home, but the thought of sitting in that empty apartment was too much for him to bear right then.

So he wandered aimlessly around the city, ignoring the passersby taking his picture, calling his name, clapping and waving.

The only thing on his mind was Stephen, and it would stay that way for a long time.

***

Forcing himself through it, the last e-mail Tony read in its entirety went as follows:

**Tony,**

**I hope you’re reading this. I hope I finally sent everything to you, and you went this far, because it’s working. Slowly but surely. I feel like I’m back in medical school, spending all of my time reading and studying and practicing. It’s not lost on me that that is another period of my life you were absent from. I know absent isn’t the right word, because it wasn’t your choice. I’m sorry for that, back then and again now. But this is going to take longer than I thought. Things are complicated, and I’m needed in a way I never thought possible.**

**This isn’t going to come as a surprise to you, but it would appear as though I’m a narcissist. And not just in the general being an asshole way. As in the psychologically detrimental way. Even now, writing this to you, I’m trying to downplay this realization and come across as if I don’t care. I guess it’s because I don’t know how to deal with it, and I can’t understand how you put up with me for as long as you did.**

**I want you to know that this is meant to be a transformation for me. Afghanistan was for you. Granted, you were by and large a much better person than I ever could be even before that happened to you. But you came out stronger, wiser, kinder. I know it’s taken too long, but I want my accident to do the same for me. I want to go through this hell and come out of it for the better, so that I can finally be the man that you’ve always thought I was.**

**Believe me, I realize that I should have talked all of this through with you before I left. But I couldn’t risk you talking me out of it. I knew that if you asked me to just stay, I would have. Despite my behavior since this has happened, all I’ve wanted to do is keep you happy. So you wouldn’t leave.**

**It’s hitting me like a punch to the gut right now that I’m the one who left. Again. And I understand that when I come back, I have no right to expect you to still be there. But I’d be lying if I said I was hoping for anything less.**

**I love you. I guess that’s the long and the short of it.**

**-Stephen**

Disbelief was probably the closest Tony could come to how he was feeling. He couldn’t decipher if Stephen was blaming him for leaving, or explaining why he had to so suddenly. Despite his confusion, he only read that e-mail once. It was one of the last ones, but a few other shorter ones had followed. They started much the same way, so Tony read the first few lines before closing his e-mail.

An hour later, he deleted them.

***

Moving out was easy enough, seeing as how Tony didn’t take a single thing with him from the apartment.

Instead, he pulled out everything he owned. He put his clothes into boxes, which were to be picked up and donated as Pepper saw fit. All of his work related materials were no longer there. He actually hadn’t spent the night at the apartment in over four months, but kept returning periodically out of habit. The only other things that remained that belonged to him were so negligible that he didn’t even bother to go around and look for them.

A year to the day since Stephen had left, and Tony was finally leaving the apartment for good. The rent was to continue to be paid, out of Stephen’s account, which was being replenished by Tony. As angry as he was, he couldn’t bring himself to terminate the lease and make it so that if Stephen did return, he had nowhere to go back to.

But Tony couldn’t take it anymore.

He wanted to be methodical about it. Pack everything up so it would be ready for Pepper the following morning to deal with. He was eternally grateful for his longtime friend volunteering to help him with this. Tony knew he was being a bit dramatic, but the thought of taking anything from the home he had shared with Stephen to his new penthouse in the tower made him feel sick to his stomach.

No more reminders. No more torture over a life that didn’t exist anymore.

It didn’t take him very long to pack his things up. When he was done, his intent had been a quick exit. Leave his key on the counter, and go home. Because this wasn’t his home anymore.

Instead, Tony found himself on the floor in the living room, leaning back against the couch, sobs racking his body as he lost all sense of control.

For the life of him, he couldn’t understand how he ended up at this point. For at least the thousandth time, he replayed their relationship after they got back together following their twelve years apart.

Things clearly started to take a turn after Tony’s kidnapping. But they talked about _everything_. Every decision Tony made, within reason, was discussed and analyzed with Stephen. It was only during an active attack that he acted without consultation with his partner.

Because to Tony, that’s what they were. Partners.

Obviously, to Stephen, that just wasn’t the case.

The absolute worst part was not knowing. If something had happened to Stephen, Tony doubt that he would ever find out. He was in a foreign country where no one knew or cared who he was.

That thought was almost as bad as the idea that Stephen had left to start over without him.

As the early morning hours approached, Tony maintained his position on the floor of his former living room. The tears had since stopped, but his heartbreak persisted.

He knew, even then, that it would never completely go away.

***

“Boss.”

Tony was jerked away from the edge of sleep he had been tottering on for the last hour. His breath stuttered in his chest as he sat up, groaning.

“What is it, FRI?”

“Doctor Stephen Strange is requesting access to the penthouse balcony.”

It had to be a dream. A nightmare, really. Why else would Stephen be requesting access to his home at – Tony lifted his wrist to consult his watch – 3:22 in the morning?

“Uh, no fucking way.”

“Boss. He has Peter Parker with him.”

Panic flooded through Tony. His sleep deprived brain took FRIDAY’s disclosure to mean that Stephen was holding Peter hostage. Rationally, he knew that wasn’t the case. He knew there was no chance Stephen would involve a teenager in their personal lives that way.

FRIDAY confirmed as much seconds later.

“Mr. Parker was injured trying to break up a robbery,” she explained. “He was knocked unconscious after being stabbed. Doctor Strange was nearby and proceeded to the scene. Before Peter passed out, he was asking for you. Karen contacted me.”

“Let him in.”

The words were out of Tony’s mouth before he could stop them. Once they were, he realized it was the right decision. He threw the covers off himself, all but running through his bedroom to the other side of the room, where he pushed open the doors to the balcony overlooking the city.

Stephen landed seconds later, Peter held securely in his arms against his body.

_Landed?_ Tony thought. But he couldn’t focus on that oddity at the moment.

“What the hell happened?” Tony demanded.

For the moment, Stephen ignored the other man and marched the boy in his arms into Tony’s bedroom. He carefully put him down on the bed before turning to Tony.

“Help me with his suit.”

It wasn’t a request, it was a demand in what Tony would have once described as Stephen’s doctor voice.

He didn’t hesitate in complying.

They pulled the skintight suit down to Peter’s waist, revealing the wound just below his rib cage. Tony stared in horror, only slightly hopeful in seeing that Peter’s body was desperately trying to repair itself.

“Stephen.” Tony barely recognized his own voice.

“Go get disinfectant and towels,” Stephen said. When Tony didn’t move, Stephen grabbed his arm firmly. “Tony.” Brown eyes flicked up to meet his. “I’m going to help him. He’ll be fine. But I need to stop the bleeding first before I can help his healing along.”

A beat passed while Tony stared into Stephen’s eyes. Eyes he never thought he would be this close to ever again. Once that shock wore off, Tony bolted to the bathroom, returning with what Stephen needed.

Stephen cleaned the wound expertly before folding the towel and placing it precisely where it needed to go. “I need you to put pressure on it,” he instructed. “Your hands are stronger.”

This time, Tony wasted no time in doing as he was told.  He leaned forward, putting most of his weight on Peter’s body. The teenager’s eyes fluttered open. He looked up at the ceiling and frowned, clearly expecting to have been looking up at the night sky. Slowly, he turned his head and saw Tony kneeling on the floor next to him.

“Mis’er Stark,” Peter slurred. “M sorry.”

“It’s alright, kid,” Tony assured him. “Just stay still. You’re gonna be fine.”

Peter sighed. “Wizard.”

Tony shook his head. “Be quiet, Pete. Don’t talk, just relax for me.”

“Wizard saved me.”

It didn’t take using Tony’s advanced intelligence to know the wizard Peter was referring to was Stephen. There was clearly a lot Tony didn’t know, but right now, he didn’t care about that.

“Yeah. He’s here. He’s going to fix you, alright? Just hang in there for me kid.”

Several long minutes passed. Peter slipped in and out of consciousness. Finally, just when Tony was going to start yelling at Stephen to do something, the taller man turned to him.

“Keep the pressure,” he said. Tony nodded. “I’m going to put my hand on yours. You’re going to feel tingling and some heat. It’ll be quick.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you have to do, Stephen, just do it now.”

A shaking hand covered Tony’s pair on the towel. He looked down, watching as orange light left Stephen’s fingers and traveled through his own hands. The sensations Stephen described came, but then were gone.

As was the blood that had soaked through the towel and Tony’s sheets. As was the wound on Peter’s torso when Stephen gently grabbed Tony’s wrist and picked up his hands to check.

Tony stared, this time in amazement. Only Peter’s eyes opening again took over Tony’s attention.

“You’re okay, Pete,” Tony said. “It’s all closed up.”

“Oh. Good.” Peter closed his eyes briefly before he opened them again and looked over to find Stephen. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. But you’re going to need to rest. I used a spell to speed up your body’s already advanced healing, and it will have drained your energy.”

Peter nodded. “I’ll go right to bed when I get home,” he replied.

“Nuh uh,” Tony interjected. “You’re not going anywhere. I know May is working tonight. You’re staying here, kid.” Before Peter could argue, he was being tossed a t shirt and sweatpants. “You’re not leaving that bed, got it?”

“Got it,” Peter relented with a small smile. “Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

Tony held back a sigh. “I’m going to get you some water. Need anything else?”

Peter shook his head, stifling a yawn. “I’m good, thank you.”

To allow Peter to change, Tony retreated from the room. But when he turned to pull the door closed, he saw that Peter was already asleep, his suit still half on.  He went to the kitchen anyway to grab a bottle of water.

He wasn’t surprised to see Stephen standing next to the counter.

“Give him this when he wakes up,” he said, nodding to a bottle containing a pale green liquid that had miraculously appeared.

“What is it?” Tony asked.

“Mostly vitamins. It doesn’t taste great, but it’ll make him feel better.”

“Thank you. For helping him.”

“I’m sorry to barge in,” Stephen said sincerely. “But I didn’t really know what else to do. There wasn’t time to take him back to the Sanctum.”

Tony stopped himself from asking what the Sanctum was. As curious as he was about everything that was going on with Stephen, most notably what in the actual hell he was wearing, Tony didn’t much feel like talking any more than was necessary.

“Are you okay?” he asked, unable to hide the concern edging into his voice.

Stephen nodded. “I’m fine. The perpetrators had fled when I arrived, but have been handled.”

“Handled? What does that mean?”

“Some assistance was provided to the police in their apprehension.”

Tony felt like he was talking to a completely different person rather than the man he had spent years of his life with. But instead of dwelling on it, he was determined to get back to check on Peter and away from Stephen.

“Thanks, again. You’re free to use the elevator instead of the balcony. Whichever you prefer.”

His words came across as more sarcastic than harsh, but he would take it. Stephen, however, remained rooted to the spot.

“Tony.”

“No.”

“I didn’t even -”

“You don’t have to,” Tony cut in, trying to keep his voice calm. “We’re not doing this. I appreciate you helping Peter. More than I can tell you. And if you need anything, I’ll give it to you. So long as you promise you’ll leave.”

S tephen swallowed. He knew it wasn’t right to exploit the situation by trying to force Tony into talking to him. But he just didn’t seem to be able to help it.

“I don’t need anything,” he admitted.

“Is there anything else I need to know to take care of Peter?”

Stephen shook his head. “No.”

“Then you need to leave.”

T aking a chance, Stephen let himself smirk slightly. “Can you honestly tell me that you’re not even the least bit curious?” he asked, extending his arms to  emphasize his robes.

“Nope,” Tony replied, unwilling to take the bait. “You’re clearly a wizard.”

“Sorcerer.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do,” Stephen retorted, taking whatever chance he had to try and make his case. “And all I want is to prove that to you.”

“You had a chance to do that,” Tony spat. “Multiple, in fact. You always did the opposite.”

“Really? The opposite?” Stephen challenged. He was well aware the best way to keep Tony talking was to piss him off. “What about after your kidnapping? All those nightmares, all that pain? You don’t think I cared about you then?”

Tony shook his head. “That was a long time ago.”

“So it doesn’t count?”

“It was canceled out by everything else you did.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“You don’t get to decide how everything works!” Tony suddenly yelled. “Why don’t you understand that? You never, ever listened to me or anyone else. About anything. And now you’re here, trying to tell me that I’m the one who did things wrong.”

Stephen held up his trembling hands. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

“I don’t care what you’re saying,” Tony responded. “There’s nothing you can say to make any of this okay, to make me want to be in the same room with you again.”

“Fine. Let me say it anyway.”

Tony frowned. “You’re not lis-”

“Yes, I am. I can’t salvage this. Fine. You got to say your piece, I just want to say mine.”

Hard, brown eyes stared back at Stephen defiantly. “Why should I let you?”

“Because you’re a good person. And no matter how angry you are at me, you’ll never do anything to hurt me.”

A lump lodged itself into Tony’s throat.  He couldn’t find the words to respond to that. His tired brain was betraying him, making him just stand there in silence.

S o Stephen took the opportunity to keep talking. “I was trying to make myself better.”

“I read the e-mails,” Tony managed.

Stephen nodded slightly. “I wasn’t sure you would.”

“Yet you sent them anyway.”

“I figured I owed you at least that much.” Stephen saw the incredulous look cross Tony’s face, and decided not to give him a space to respond. “I couldn’t be enough for you. I guess I was just trying to protect you.”

Tony’s jaw was set in a hard line. “That wasn’t your choice to make. That was mine, and you’ve always taken it away from me.”

Without much to say to that, Stephen surged on nonetheless. “I’m not like you. I can’t be like you.”

“I never wanted you to be.”

“Even still, I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be.”

Tony let out a humorless laugh. “I just wanted you to be _you_ , Stephen. Never anything more or less. But you would never believe me, never let yourself just accept that.” He tore his hands through his hair. “If you don’t leave, I will.”

“Please,” Stephen urged. “Just stay and we can -”

“How can you ask for me to stay when all you ever do is go?!” Tony demanded, the little resolve he had built up finally crumbling as tears built in his eyes.

If anything would chase that look from Tony’s eyes, Stephen would have gladly done it. “Because I’m selfish,” he said instead, “and I love you.”

“At least one of those is true.”

“Stop saying I don’t love you,” Stephen snapped.

Tony threw his hands in the air. “Stop saying you do!”

“No. It’s true,” Stephen protested.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s true.”

“How can that not matter?”

“It never has. You never wanted to let it matter.”

Stephen forced himself to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Stop being so melodramatic and actually talk to me about this.”

“Fuck. You.”

Stephen’s smirked returned. “You’re just furthering my point.”

“And what point would that be, exactly?” Tony wanted to know. “That you went on your journey and came back a better person, so now we can be together again? Just how many times do you expect me to let you do this to me?”

“I did this _for_ you,” Stephen replied.

The tears finally spilled from Tony’s tired eyes. “How the fuck was this for me? You left me, for two years, wondering if you were even alive. You made me suffer, alone, all this time. But go ahead. Tell me that it’s the same as when I was kidnapped. A transformation. Go on.”

“It was never my intention to hurt you, Tony.”

“And yet it’s exactly what happened. Again. It wasn’t your intention because you never thought about me at all. I, on the other hand, thought about you every second of every day when we’ve been apart.”

“Of course I thought about -”

“You’re the only fucking reason I got out of that cave alive.”

Stephen fell silent at that. There had been very little discussion between the two of them regarding Tony’s time in captivity. He hadn’t needed to explain to Stephen what happened; the evidence on his body told the tale plainly enough. Whenever Tony had a nightmare, he would disappear to the lab, or wander around the house all night trying to tire himself out.

But now, Tony was determined to let Stephen know exactly what had been going through his head for those ninety-seven days.

“I wanted to just accept it and let them kill me,” Tony said, his voice as shaky as Stephen’s hands. “I was in so much god damn pain. Breathing hurt more than anything I’d ever experienced. But I couldn’t just lay down and die, because I made you a promise. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see you, laying in our bed, telling me you didn’t want me to go. I could hear your voice, your laugh, and that kept me alive. There was nothing they could do to me to make me give up on wanting to see your smile again.”

A vice had settled itself around Stephen’s stomach. He couldn’t have spoken even if he had somehow come up with the words.

“So I got out, and came home to you. Only for you to hate virtually everything about me and refuse to ever let me fully back in. And when your accident happened...” Tony shook his head slowly. “I wish I could have switched places with you. I would have, in a heartbeat. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and I tried to show you that, but you didn’t want to let me. So you left. And it almost killed me.”

It took some effort, but Stephen managed a reply. “What do you mean by that?” he asked hesitantly.

Tony didn’t answer the question. “After this stretch of desertion, I’m confident that I can live without you. I don’t want to, I never have. But I can. And it looks like I’ll have to.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Yes, I do. Because otherwise I don’t know what else you’ll do to me.”

Stephen shook his head emphatically. “I’m not going to do anything to you,” he swore. “I’m not the same man I was, Tony. I just want to be able to show you that.”

“You said part of you hoped that I was going to move on,” Tony said as if Stephen had never spoken. “In your first e-mail. That’s what you said.”

“Yeah. I did,” Stephen had to agree.

“Well, I have. I’ve moved on.”

A few moments of silence followed. “I don’t believe you.”

Tony scoffed. “I don’t care. It was almost impossible, so much harder than the first time you made me learn how to be without you because -” he stopped himself short. “It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not. You need to let me go.”

Stephen felt his own tears stinging his eyes. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You already have, twice before. Effortlessly.”

“It wasn’t effortless,” Stephen huffed. “You have no idea what I’ve been through.”

“No, I don’t,” Tony agreed. “Because that’s how you wanted it. That’s on you, not me.”

“Tony, there’s so much you don’t know, and if you would just -”

“If you love me,” Tony said, making Stephen stop speaking instantly. “If you’ve ever loved me, you’ll let me go.”

Stephen wanted to scream. He wanted to throw anything he could get his hands on and yell that that didn’t make any sense, that of course he loved Tony, and he wanted to prove that by being with him, not staying apart anymore.

But the completely broken man across from him didn’t need that from him. He needed space. He needed peace.

Wordlessly, Stephen crossed the kitchen floor, closing the small space between them. Tony didn’t move, but visibly tensed slightly. He remained where he was, however, even when Stephen raised his arms and gently wrapped them around Tony.

“I’m so sorry,” he said as he pulled himself against Tony. He felt the shorter man’s hands come up and grip his robes tightly. “I do love you. So I’ll do what you want.”

A ghost of a kiss brushed Tony’s cheek as Stephen stepped back. His eyes fell closed, sending more tears cascading down his pale cheeks.

When he opened them, Stephen was gone.

***

Certainly there were far worse ways to die than freezing to death.

 _It won’t be that bad_ , Tony thought to himself. _I can just close my eyes, and I’ll never wake up._

At the moment, he was convinced he wanted that more than he ever wanted anything before.

Cap’s shield lay in the corner of his vision, so Tony closed his eyes. His body was in so much pain that it was starting to go into shock. Soon, he wouldn’t feel anything anymore. Which was preferable to what he had been feeling since seeing that video a few minutes ago.

To what he had been feeling since Stephen left over a year ago.

His rage towards both Rogers and Barnes had almost completely evaporated when Tony’s helmet was ripped off, and he stared up at his former teammate as the super soldier brought his shield down onto Tony’s chest.

Onto his reactor.

Onto his heart.

There was no way Tony would be able to get out of the bunker himself. Without a way to power the suit, he was helpless.

Despite his situation, Tony felt calm.

He wasn’t suicidal. He had never attempted to take his own life, never even really thought about it. The possibility of Stephen returning kept those thoughts from ever entering his mind.

But he had finally accepted that that wasn’t going to happen. So he could either struggle to move a suit that weighed more than he would ever be able to lift and die thirty or so feet away in the snow, or he could keep his eyes closed and die where Cap had left him.

While he was deciding, he fell asleep.

When he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed.

None of them had known T’Challa had followed Tony to the bunker. Rogers and Barnes came across him as they fled to their Quinjet. The king of Wakanda gave them instructions on how to gain passage to his country, promising to meet them there when he had secured Zemo.

It had been a last second thought, right before T’Challa was about to take off, that Stark hadn’t been with Rogers and Barnes.

Tony wasn’t happy when he realized he was still alive. He wasn’t disappointed, either. He couldn’t feel much of anything. That much, at least, he was grateful for.

The reactor was removed from his chest. A surgeon Tony had actually met decades ago performed the surgery, taking out the reactor as well as the remaining pieces of shrapnel from Tony’s body.

It took Tony about five minutes to process that information before he was ripping the IVs out of his arms and leaving his room, ignoring the yelling protests from Pepper, Happy, and his doctors. He pulled a t shirt over his head, wincing at the pain in his shoulders, chest and arms as he made his way through the halls in scrub pants and bare feet.

He finally found Rhodey’s room and collapsed in the chair next to his bed.

“You’re bleeding.”

“I think part of a needle might still be in my arm.”

Rhodey smiled at his best friend of thirty years. “You’ve never been one for finesse, Tones.”

“Are you okay?”

“Are you?”

“No,” Tony answered, shaking his head. “How do you feel? What are they saying?”

“I feel fine,” Rhodey assured him. “I’m being transferred to the specialist tomorrow morning.”

Tony nodded. “Okay, so what’s the plan?”

“There isn’t one yet. Just calm down, man, this is going to take time.”

“It can’t take time, it needs to happen now. I need to know what we’re working with so I can start on the braces and get you into physical therapy as soon as possible. That’s the best way to-”

“Tony.”

“-get you back on your feet, pun intended. Waiting just makes it worse, you need to-”

“Tony!” Rhodey finally got his friend to stop rambling. “You just had open heart surgery, for Christ sake. You need to rest.”

“I can’t rest,” Tony protested. “This is my fault, and I need to fix it.”

“It’s not your fault,” Rhodey argued. “It’s on all of us. Every one of us made decisions that resulted in where we’re at now. I made the choice to be by your side, and I don’t regret that.”

Any attempt at a response by Tony was stopped short. His lungs failed him, making him choke on the air in his lungs as a sob broke through his throat. Rhodey was sitting up and reaching out, dragging Tony into a hard hug without needing any prompting.

Pain shot through his chest, but Tony didn’t care. He embraced the other man like his life depended on it, which they both seemed to know that in a way, it did.

***

For the first time in quite some time, Stephen cried.

Once back in the safety and quiet of the Sanctum, he collapsed on the couch in his study and just let go. Of all the pain, anguish, and loneliness he had built up for what felt like his entire life.

The Cloak of Levitation tried to comfort him, but even the relic could see there was nothing to be done except to let him grieve. For someone who was still alive.

Wasn’t that what Tony had said to him? That night he showed up, soaking wet, two weeks after Stephen had finally admitted that he had always been in love with him?

_Have you ever tried to grieve the loss of someone who’s still alive? It’s fucking impossible._

The words Tony said to him years ago rang in Stephen’s head for what felt like hours. It was incomprehensible to him just how unfair this all was. Yes, he realized that he had made a decision that hurt Tony beyond excuse. But the position he had been in, the pain, the depression had all been too much. Allowing himself to stay that way wasn’t an option. He had told himself that he would be able to make Tony understand that. He knew the other man loved him so much that he would be able to make him understand anything.

At last, Stephen began to realize he was the one who didn’t understand.

***

Trying to make sense of the Civil War on the other side of the world while planning to deal with Kaecilius and his followers was no easy feat.

Stephen read every article he could find, struggling to keep up with the rapidly developing events.

Of course, nothing made any report of the incident in Siberia.

No one knew that Barnes had killed Tony’s parents.

Without any indication otherwise, Stephen had no idea that Tony had almost lost his life that day.

***

The next year dragged on. Stephen was sure to keep his distance from Tony, which was quite easy given that he only left the Sanctum to go to Kamar-Taj, where Tony would surely never be. He kept an eye on him, though, and Peter too. Thankfully, it was a quiet year, and not much cause for concern outside Peter continuing to engage with the city’s criminals on a nightly basis.

No matter how hard he tried, Stephen couldn’t completely let Tony go.

No matter how hard he tried, Tony couldn’t stop wishing he had made a different choice upon seeing Stephen again.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t stop being in love with each other.

***

Dormammu would come to haunt Stephen’s nightmares for the rest of his life.

Trapping himself in the time loop with the monster wasn’t something he would ever get over. But more often than not, Stephen was left thinking he deserved every time he had been killed. Every stake, every vine, everything that had been used to stab, strangle and tear him in half. He had deserved it.

He thought he deserved worse.

It wasn’t easy, but Stephen started to settle into his routine as a sorcerer. Living in the Sanctum with Wong was actually peaceful and easy to navigate. He had been under the assumption, given his exciting introduction to the world he was now occupying, that every day he would be dealing with grave threats to the earth.

In reality, more than a year would pass between major incidents.

***

“Tony. I need you to come with me.”

The portal opening suddenly in front of him made Tony’s heart skip several beats. A flash of the wormhole he had fallen through years earlier seized his ability to breathe normally. It took several long seconds for him to realize that it was Stephen standing in front of him, making the demand, his face set almost as if in stone.

“Are you kidding me?” Tony finally choked out.

“No, I’m not. We need your help. Now.”

“Yeah? Who’s _we_?”

On cue, Bruce Banner stumbled out from behind Stephen. He raised his trembling hand in a shy wave. “Hey, Tony.”

“Bruce?”

The brilliant scientist all but threw himself at his friend, a friend he hadn’t seen in over two years. Tony caught him, taking half a step back to support his weight. He returned the embrace before Bruce stepped back, still holding onto Tony’s shoulders.

“Are you wearing my clothes?”

For what felt like the first time in his life, Bruce laughed. “Yeah. I am. It’s a long story.”

In actuality, it only took Bruce about ten minutes to recount for Tony what had happened to him after leaving in the Quinjet from Sokovia and to bring him up to speed on the infinity stones. Tony was sitting on an uncomfortable couch in the foyer of the Sanctum, what he assumed was Stephen’s home, and trying his best to listen to his friend and not look around.

When Bruce fell silent, Tony swallowed hard. “Thor’s gone?”

Bruce nodded once. “Thanos is coming, Tony. We need to get everyone together, we need to get ready.”

“It’s not that simple anymore, Bruce.”

“What do you mean?” Bruce demanded. “Vision has the mind stone. We need to protect him, to keep him safe so that Thanos can’t get all of them. As long as we do that, he can’t win.”

Tony let out a humorless laugh. “You’ve been gone for a long time. The Avengers broke up. We’re toast. I haven’t seen or spoken to a majority of them in two years.”

“What about Steve?” Bruce wanted to know. “He can get the rest, he can -”

“We’re not on speaking terms,” Tony cut in. “I have no idea where he is, or how to get in touch with him.”

“You’re lying.”

Tony’s head snapped to look over at Stephen. “Am I? How the hell could you possibly know that?” he asked.

“You’ve been helping Rogers and the other Rogues evade capture. For the most part, they’ve been hiding in Wakanda, but had to leave when Ross sent agents there looking for them.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” Tony spat. “How do you know that?”

“Tony,” Bruce interrupted. “That doesn’t matter right now. What matters is finding anyone we can so that we can fight against Thanos. It doesn’t matter who you’re speaking to or not. This is it.”

Even though Bruce was speaking directly to him, Tony never took his eyes off Stephen. The pair stared at each other, neither blinking, neither wavering.

Roughly an hour later, they were in a similar situation, but on an alien spaceship heading for God knew where, accompanied by Peter Parker. The teenager was standing next to the floating Cloak of Levitation, watching as the two adult superheroes stood toe to toe.

“How the fuck did you know I was helping the Rogues?” Tony demanded.

“It wasn’t all that hard to figure out,” Stephen replied. “I’m surprised Ross doesn’t have you in handcuffs right now.”

“You’ve been _spying on me_?!”

Stephen huffed. “Is that what I said?”

“I can’t believe you -”

“Tony. We really don’t have time for this.”

“We’re stuck in a fucking spaceship. Of course we have time for this!” Tony refuted. “All I asked was for you to leave me alone, and you couldn’t even do that.”

Stephen cocked his head dramatically, as if deep in thought. “I don’t recall having any contact with you at all since the night you asked me to let you go,” he mused.

“So spying on me is fine because I didn’t know about it?”

“I wasn’t spying on you,” Stephen argued. “But could I trouble you to get back to the matter at hand? Please?”

Before Tony could yell some more, Peter chimed in. “Wait. How do you guys know each other again?”

*

Watching Tony watch Peter sleep wasn’t as creepy as it sounded. With hours ahead of them before reaching their destination, the teenager had finally crashed, curling up with Tony’s sweatshirt and the Cloak of Levitation in a corner. Tony was sitting on the floor a few feet away, leaning against something metal, while Stephen was perched on a beam about six feet above him.

He wanted to tell Tony he should try and get some rest, but knew his words wouldn’t be heeded. More likely outright ignored. With what they were up against, the last thing he wanted to do was start another fight with Tony.

But god, was it so good to see him after so long. Even under the circumstances.

“I need you to promise me something.”

Tony’s voice suddenly cutting through the silence made Stephen jump. He assumed that Peter had woken up, and Tony was addressing the teenager. But Peter was still fast asleep.

“Promise you what?” Stephen asked, his voice low to match Tony’s tone.

The billionaire kept his eyes on Peter. “He has to get home safe. No matter what else happens, you need to promise me that he will get home safe.”

Stephen frowned, even though Tony wasn’t looking at him. “I don’t understand.”

“If something happens to me, you need to take care of him.”

“You’re talking as if you know what’s going to happen,” Stephen observed.

Tony nodded slightly. “I know that I won’t let anything happen to him, or to you. But if I’m not there anymore, you need to protect him.”

Flashes of responses shot through Stephen’s head. He wanted to point out that he didn’t need Tony to protect him, but the gravity of that comment stopped him. Tony was putting him in the same category as Peter. After everything, it was obvious in that short statement that Tony would do anything he could to keep them both safe.

“Nothing is going to happen to y-”

“Stephen. Promise me.”

The sorcerer’s heart skipped a beat when Tony finally turned and looked up at him. Silent tears were flowing down his pale cheeks as their eyes met. Years of pain and anguish were reflecting in Tony’s brown eyes. It wasn’t lost on Stephen that he was the cause for an overwhelming majority of the heartache he was seeing.

He wanted to scream. Yell at the top of his lungs that he was sorry, so impossibly sorry. For everything. The urge to beg Tony to forgive him so they could stand together and fight was almost overwhelming.

But the look in Tony’s eyes told Stephen all he needed to know. The only thing he cared about was keeping that kid safe.

So Stephen nodded. “I promise you, Tony. He’ll be safe. I’ll get him home.”

Even though he assumed that was going to be the end of the conversation, Stephen kept his eyes on Tony. The other man had turned his attention back to the still sleeping Peter and Stephen still couldn’t take his eyes away. Tony had always been breathtakingly handsome at any angle, but his side profile, illuminated by the soft glow of the panels above him, was damn near a work of art.

“Every time I try to stop something from happening, I make it so much worse.”

The words were spoken so softly that Stephen almost hadn’t heard Tony at all. The defeat he heard in his voice made him wish he hadn’t been able to.

“That’s not true,” Stephen disagreed gently.

Tony huffed an empty laugh. “I tried to protect the earth. Ultron worked _wonderfully_ if I recall. Then there’s the Accords, and my attempt to stop the team from falling apart.” Fresh tears started falling from his eyes as he took a shaky breath. “And you.”

Stephen felt like he had been stabbed in the throat. “Nothing that -” A strong swallow allowed him to continue. “What happened between us wasn’t your fault. I made a lot of mistakes. A lot of terrible decisions.”

“I’ve played it over in my head so many times.” There was no need for Tony to be specific. Stephen knew he wasn’t talking about Ultron. Or the Accords. “I should have never forced you into a relationship. I should have just let things be, I should have just left it alone and never moved back to New York.”

“I wanted you to,” Stephen found himself saying. “You didn’t force me into anything.”

Tony let out a long breath. “You did it because you felt guilty, and you shouldn’t have. You didn’t do anything wrong. We were so young. I convinced you we knew what we were doing back then, but we didn’t. I should have just taken what you were willing to give me instead of aiming too high and losing it all.”

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

It was Stephen’s tone as much as his words that made Tony’s head snap to look up at him. His frown deepened when he saw the hard set expression on Stephen’s face. He would have sworn that his cheekbones were ten times more pronounced, and his eyes were pure steel. Before Tony had a chance to inquire, Stephen was leaning forward almost threateningly.

“You can’t have it both ways. We both know damn well that it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you forced me into something I didn’t want to do, or because we tried to have something together that wasn’t right for us. It was -” Stephen stopped himself suddenly when he noticed his voice was rising. He didn’t intend to yell at Tony. He took a breath to collect himself. “It just happened. Because things kept happening to us that we couldn’t control, that we couldn’t process fast enough. I felt like I was trying to keep my head above the waves, but had to bail the water out and hold up the ship all at the same time.”

The air was effectively knocked from Tony’s lungs. There was no questioning that Stephen had just articulated their situation perfectly. The realization of how much Stephen had been struggling was hard for Tony to accept, despite the fact that he knew all too well for it to be true.

Tony shook his head slowly. “I wanted to help you. It wasn’t – you never had to do all of that on your own. I didn’t know how to help you.”

“You had a chestful of shrapnel and scars covering every inch of you from months of torture,” Stephen said, as if Tony had forgotten. “You were saving the entire god damn world every single day. There was no way I could ask you to save me, too.”

Tony choked down a sob. “I would have, in a fucking heartbeat. That’s all I wanted. You weren’t any less important to me than you were before all of that. If anything you were _more_ important because I knew what it was like to be without you.”

The silence that followed felt ice cold between them. It took all of Stephen’s willpower to stay where he was and not jump down and drag Tony into his arms. But he didn’t have that right anymore, and never would again.

After what felt like days, Stephen finally spoke again. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, or to ever forget. Asking that of you wouldn’t be fair. But, god, Tony. You have to believe that if I could, I would go back and die in my car that night to spare you from what I’ve done.”

Even if he had had the words, Tony didn’t have the time to respond.

They had arrived at Titan, and were about to crash.

*

The battle went exactly the way Stephen knew it would. Exactly the way he had seen it go while using the time stone.

Except for one slight change that turned into being a huge alteration.

Instead of Tony being knocked out and laying against a pile of rocks, it was Peter who Thanos sent flying through the air. The teenager landed with a sickening crack as his head hit the hard ground. Stephen himself was slowly coming out of his own blackout, but saw with perfect clarity Tony landing in between Thanos and the downed hero, blocking the blow the maniac had aimed at Peter using the gauntlet.

Most of Tony’s suit fell away under the power of the stones. When Thanos lowered the gauntlet, Tony charged at him, using his still in tact boots to strike him in the face before landing and lashing out with his lone gloved hand.

Thanos effortlessly ripped the helmet from Tony’s head. Before another could materialize, he grabbed Tony by the throat and started to squeeze.

In desperation, Tony morphed his hand into a blade and thrust it forward. But Thanos caught it easily. In one fluid motion he snapped it off, turned it, and pushed it clean through Tony’s stomach.

By the time Stephen was sitting up, blood was pouring from Tony’s mouth as he gasped for air. The Mad Titan released his grip on Tony’s throat to stand back, ripping the blade from Tony’s body and raising the gauntlet. A smile came onto his massive face while he delivered what he meant to be Tony’s eulogy.

“You have my respect, Stark,” he drawled. “When I’m done, half of humanity will still be alive. I hope they remember you.”

The stones glowed to life, gearing up to end Tony’s.

“Wait.” Stephen was shocked his voice carried far enough for Thanos to hear him. “Spare his life, and I will give you the stone.”

Thanos considered the sorcerer panting against the rocks yards away. He looked back at Stark, who was staring at the stone keeper in a mixture of awe and horror.

“No, Stephen you can’t -”

“Spare his life,” Stephen said again, cutting Tony off.

It didn’t take much for Thanos to recognize the love in Stephen’s eyes, the despair in his voice.

“No tricks?” he inquired, to which the sorcerer merely shook his head. Thanos then turned and raised the gauntlet to point at his new prospect.

With a flick of his wrist, Stephen opened the pocket dimension and retrieved the time stone.

Or what appeared to be the time stone, at any rate.

He let it fall from its fingers, sending it across the desolation of Titan toward Thanos. He caught it greedily, dropping it to the gauntlet.

Stephen kept his eyes on Tony while the power flowed through Thanos. He watched as Tony struggled to stay upright, staring back, his eyes reflecting pain and betrayal.

Because he was still looking at Stephen, he missed the false time stone sending poison through Thanos’ body, stopping his heart and causing his body to fall lifeless to the dirt. Tony could only manage a stunned look at the result before he collapsed to the ground himself, blood seeping from between his fingers clutching at his side helplessly.

The orange sky above him was soon replaced by Stephen’s face. He felt trembling hands pull his away before pressing down onto his side, sending a fresh wave of pain through his entire body. Stephen looked around frantically, calling for anyone who could hear him to come to his aid. To Tony’s aid.

“Stephen.” Tony’s voice made him look down, at the love of his life, the most important person he had ever come across. “I think this is it.”

“No, it’s not,” Stephen said, shaking his head emphatically. “Just hang on. You’re going to be fine.”

“You know how many times I’ve been injured before. I can tell. This is different.”

“Tony. Stop.”

“I can’t,” Tony choked. “Fuck. This is it.”

“Stop saying that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, just be quiet.”

Tony jerked his head in an attempt to shake it. “Not for this, for before. For letting you go.”

Stephen felt a sob rattle his lungs. “No. We’re not doing this. Not right now. You’re going to be okay,” he said, pressing harder against Tony’s stomach. “I’m going to make this okay. Then you can yell at me all you want.”

“I don’t want to yell at you. I just want – fuck, that hurts. I just want to be with you. That’s never changed but I couldn’t let myself do it again.”

“Tony, stop,” Stephen plead. “None of it was your fault. Just please, please be still.”

“I love you,” Tony said before coughing up more blood. “You need to know that. I never stopped. I never will. I’m sorry it has to end like this -”

“It’s not ending. This isn’t the end.”

“Stephen -”

“ _It’s not!_ I won’t let it. You have to be okay, otherwise all of this was for nothing. I can’t let that happen.”

Tony’s bloody hand came up to rest on Stephen’s. “It’s okay.”

Stephen shook his head as the tears fell from his eyes. “Not yet, but it will be.”

“I know you did what you could. I know, Stephen. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Tony’s eyes slipped closed as Peter fell to his knees next to Stephen. “Doctor Strange?” he asked, his voice laced with panic. “What’s going on?”

“I need you to web his wound closed,” Stephen answered. Before Peter could ask what that meant, Stephen removed his hands. “Do it. Now.”

Peter somehow managed to do as he was told, despite the pure fear he was feeling at seeing Tony laying still before them. He only vaguely recognized the voices of the guardians surrounding them, spilling questions at Stephen faster than anyone could have ever answered them.

“Did you just -” Quill started, but didn’t get any further.

“We need to get him on the jet,” Stephen ordered. “Keep his head steady while we move him.”

Mantis looked doubtful. “Is he even alive?”

“Yes,” Stephen snapped, “but he won’t be for much longer if we keep standing around. Peter, help the Cloak carry him. I can’t let go of his hand.”

The young man nodded, stepping to the other side of Tony as the Cloak slid under his lifeless body and lifted him from the ground. Peter supported Tony’s legs, and upon doing so, noticed the faint orange glow radiating from Tony’s body. It persisted while they moved Tony to the Benatar, and remained while they secured him in the med bay, his right hand still clasped in Stephen’s.

“Are you using your life force to keep him alive?” Quill all but demanded.

“I can keep him stable until we get back to earth,” Stephen said by way of response. “But he needs surgery, and he needs it soon. We need to get moving.”

“You can’t do that,” Quill protested. “You don’t know how it’s going to -”

“Quill! Get us the fuck out of here, now!”

There was no arguing with that. The jet was swiftly geared up and put in motion. Everything fell away from Stephen as he stood next to Tony, holding his hand so tightly that Stephen’s damaged one screamed in pain. But he didn’t care.

“Doctor Strange?”

Stephen lifted his eyes to see Peter standing on the other side of Tony. Tears had cleared tracks running down from his eyes through the dirt and blood on his cheeks. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Stephen was telling Tony that Peter was okay, that he was getting him home safe.

When the sorcerer didn’t respond, Peter sniffed. “Is Mr. Stark going to be okay?”

“Yes,” Stephen replied without even giving it any thought. “He’s going to be fine, Peter.”

“Are you really keeping him alive?” the teenager asked shyly, nodding down to their entwined hands.

“I can’t let him go.”

The double meaning was more than obvious.

Peter was clearly struggling between wanting to reach out to Tony and fear of hurting him. He looked down at his mentor with tears in his eyes. “Is there anything I can do?”

Stephen didn’t know the boy all that well, but felt his heart tugging at how upset he was. “He’s going to be okay. I promise you.”

“What are you doing to him?”

“It’s complicated,” Stephen replied. He hadn’t noticed that his other hand had settled into Tony’s disheveled hair. “I’m just giving him the energy he needs until he can get into surgery.”

Before Peter could inquire further, Quill called out. “Strange. Three more jumps until we’re back to earth. Where are we going?”

Stephen realized he wasn’t quite sure.

They ended up in Wakanda. Where Rhodey was. As well as Rogers and Barnes, unfortunately, but that would have to be sorted out later.

There wasn’t any argument from the medical team when Stephen said he wouldn’t be able to let go of Tony’s hand until the surgery was completed. A few raised eyebrows, but no protests. When it was finally time for Stephen to release his grip, he considered lying and saying he needed to maintain contact to ensure Tony’s recovery. He came very close to saying so.

But ultimately didn’t. He let go of Tony’s hand so he could be transferred to a private room to rest.

Stephen didn’t expect to ever see him again.

After Tony was moved away, Stephen stumbled into the hallway and collapsed to the floor. Everyone was so busy tending to those injured in the battle that no one noticed him slumped in an ill light corner, shaking uncontrollably with tears sliding down his pale face. He forced himself to take deep breaths, willing himself to regain enough energy to create a portal out of here to retreat to the Sanctum. His eyes were closed, so he didn’t notice when someone knelt down in front of him until they spoke.

“Hey, Strange.”

Stephen almost jumped out of his skin. Normally he would have never been caught off guard. But he did just spent several hours keeping another human being alive, and that was bound to have an affect on him. He opened his eyes to see Rhodey in front of him, concern set on his face.

“Is Tony okay?” Stephen asked, voice raspy and weak.

Rhodey nodded. “Yeah, and I hear that it’s thanks to you.”

No response came from Stephen. Rhodey could clearly see that he was exhausted at best, and about to pass out at worst. He looked as if he would be more than content to melt into the corner he was hiding in and stay there forever.

In all honesty, Stephen felt like he had the world’s worst hangover. His head was pounding, throat impossibly dry, and he was pretty sure his stomach was pure battery acid at this point. He doubted if he would be able to fight off a strong wind in this state.

“What do you need?” Rhodey asked, trying to keep Stephen awake for fear that if his eyes closed again, they would never reopen.

Stephen managed to shake his head. “I’m fine. Just need rest. I think.”

“You think?”

“I’ve never done this before,” he shrugged the best he could. “No one has for a very long time. It’s sort of forbidden.” Stephen managed to sit up more when a thought occurred to him. “Where’s Peter?”

“He’s with Shuri. He’s fine,” Rhodey reported. “Which might change when his aunt finally gets her hands on him, but for right now he’s good. Just worried about Tony.”

Stephen let out a long breath. “I’ll be out of your way as soon as I’m able.”

Rhodey frowned. “You’re just going to leave?”

“I’m honestly shocked you haven’t punched me in the face yet.”

“That wouldn’t be a very nice way to thank you for saving my best friend’s life.”

“We both know I deserve far worse.”

With a sigh, Rhodey sat back against the wall perpendicular to where Stephen was sprawled. “That’s not for me to decide,” he declared. “After what we just went through out there, all I can focus on at the moment is that he’s alive and is going to stay that way for the foreseeable future.”

“He’s not going to want me here when he wakes up,” Stephen whispered, uncaring about the tears falling from his eyes.

“Aren’t you tired of running from him?”

The question stung, even though it wasn’t intended to. There was no heat behind Rhodey’s words. The colonel was well aware that there was plenty he didn’t know about what had happened between Tony and Stephen. His best friend of over thirty years mostly refused to talk about it in the hopes that pretending it didn’t happen would in fact erase it all from existence.

“It doesn’t matter what I’m tired of, or what I want,” Stephen finally replied. “It’s about what Tony wants. And he’s made himself very clear.”

“Peter relayed a different version of events from Titan,” Rhodey pointed out.

Stephen shook his head. “He was dying. He was scared and saying things he didn’t mean. He -”

“Loves you,” Rhodey interjected. Stephen fell silent. “He always has. I think he wants to forgive you, wants to be able to move on and try to be happy again. But you have to give him a reason to believe you want that too.”

With that, Rhodey got up and left Stephen there alone again. His plan was to send Peter by in a little bit to check in on him and make sure he was getting better and not worse.

But when Peter went to find him, he wasn’t in the corner anymore. Dismayed, he trudged back to report as much to Rhodey, but the older man was looking towards Tony’s room, smiling to himself. Peter followed his gaze to find the missing sorcerer asleep outside the door leading to Tony, wrapped up in the confines of the cloak.

“Is he okay?” Peter asked, rejoining Rhodey on the couch in the hall.

Rhodey held back a sigh. “I think he will be.”

Peter was going to ask if Rhodey had meant Stephen or Tony, but then realized it didn’t matter. The answer would be the same.

*

At some point, Stephen was moved from the floor to the couch. He assumed it was by the cloak, but guessed Rhodey and Peter had a hand in it as well. All he knew for sure was that he felt worse than he had before he fell asleep, which he would have deemed impossible a few hours ago.

Every muscle and joint in his body protested as he sat up slowly. His head swam from the sudden loss of blood flow and his stomach turned endlessly. He didn’t have much time to consider all of this before Peter appeared in front of him, looking as tired as Stephen felt.

“Are you alright?” he asked shyly.

Stephen managed a nod. “I’m fine. How are you doing?”

“Good,” Peter replied. “Probably grounded for the rest of my life, but I guess that’s only fair.” Stephen breathed a short laugh. “Mr. Stark was awake for a few minutes.”

“Oh?”

“He doesn’t remember much,” Peter reported. “The doctors say he has a pretty bad concussion. He couldn’t really talk and was way out of it. He’s asleep again, but they keep saying he’s going to be fine. You saved his life. You saved all of our lives, really.”

Stephen held back a groan as he shifted enough so Peter could sit down next to him. “I cheated. The time stone is what saved us.”

“He meant what he said.”

Even without the majority of his energy being drained, Stephen wasn’t sure he would have understood Peter right away. He assumed he was talking about Tony, but Stephen’s memory was that Peter hadn’t come to his side until Tony had already passed out on Titan. Then Stephen remembered Rhodey alluding to it as well, and of course there was the fact that Peter was enhanced with extreme abilities.

“It’s not that simple, Peter.”

The teenager huffed. “It never is with adults because you guys always make things way more complicated than they need to be.” Stephen raised an eyebrow at that. “He thought he was dying, right?”

Stephen swallowed the lump that formed in his throat at the thought. “Yes.”

“So why would he have said anything other than the truth?”

Okay, so, the kid had a point there.

“Because he was scared,” Stephen started to say, but Peter shook his head.

“He wasn’t scared.”

“How can you know that?”

Peter held up his hands as if the evidence of his powers would be exhibited there. “I’ve seen him scared. Heard him, really. His breathing and heart rate, all of that. But he wasn’t, even though he thought he was dying. He was sad. And everything he said was the truth. He hasn’t lied to me often, but I can always tell when he is. His heart beat changes. It skips a little. But that didn’t happen on Titan.”

The sorcerer was shaking his head, making himself more dizzy. “You shouldn’t be telling me this.”

“Why not?” Peter wanted to know. “If I can stop you guys from fighting all the time and keeping each other at arm’s length, I’m going to. Even though I don’t know you that well, I know he loves you. That’s all I need to know, it’s the only thing that matters.”

“It’s not that simple,” Stephen said again.

“Well, it should be,” the teenager decided. “We just fought a homicidal giant purple alien over a bunch of rocks that would have wiped out half of the universe. And you’re seriously going to sit there and tell me that whatever problems you guys have had in the past is bigger than that?”

For several long moments, Stephen stared at the young man next to him, whose eyes never wavered.

“You’ve been spending too much time with Tony,” Stephen finally declared.

The smile that came onto Peter’s face was almost blinding.

*

“You have got to be kidding me.”

Somehow, Stephen managed to hold back his sigh. “Peter, I don’t have time for this.”

The teenager crossed his arms over his chest and gave back an unimpressed look well beyond his years. He stood defiantly in front of the much taller and much more experienced superhero with the same nerves of steel he had displayed on Titan.

“He’s going to wake up any minute and be looking for you,” Peter argued. “And you’re just going to disappear on him again?”

“I don’t have a choice,” Stephen argued, slipping on his sling ring. “There are people out there who think the earth is vulnerable right now. They think Iron Man is dead and the Avengers are scattered. If I’m not where I need to be, then an attack is imminent. I need to shut it down before it ever becomes a viable opportunity.”

Given the way his head was swimming and the floor seemed to be swaying under his feet, Stephen wasn’t quite sure how he was going to be able to do that. But he would have to figure that out once he was back at the Sanctum.

Peter still wasn’t having it. “You need to show him that he’s important to you, that you -”

“He knows he’s important to me!” Stephen suddenly exploded. “I know you’re convinced you have it all figured out, but surviving a near death experience doesn’t magically make everything okay all of a sudden. And if I don’t go do my job, then all of this will be for nothing because we’ll all end up dead anyway. I can’t sit here and wait for him to wake up and just cross my fingers that no one is going to try and take advantage of the chaos at the moment. No matter how much he means to me, it doesn’t overrule my duty to protect the earth. Of all people, Tony will understand that.”

At that, Peter’s anger softened. To Stephen’s surprise, he wasn’t backing down out of fear, but more understanding. In the back of his mind Stephen remembered that Peter clearly felt a similar sense of responsibility driving him to do what he did and that he was, in fact, only a teenager. A teenager who had just gone through something most adults wouldn’t have been able to handle and was worried about someone he loved.

Putting shaking hands on the boy’s shoulders, Stephen took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. You’re not doing anything wrong. I would sit in that room with him for weeks if I could, but I can’t. Because I made him a promise to keep you safe, and I intend on keeping that promise.”

Peter frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“On the ship,” Stephen replied, not even considering lying. “Tony made me promise that if something happened to him, that I would keep you safe. There might not be a direct threat at the moment, and it might not ever be towards you, but taking the chance isn’t within the confines of the promise. I’ve broken virtually every promise I’ve ever made to him, but this will not be one of them.”

The slightest nod came from Peter. “I’m sorry, Doctor Strange. I didn’t mean to talk about something I know nothing about. But you’re right. I do love him, and I just want him to be happy. I think you’re his best shot at that, even if neither of you seem to realize it.”

Stephen’s hands fell from Peter’s shoulders to hang limply back at his sides. “Peter, I...” he had to swallow hard to continue. “I really wish I was the man you think I am. But I’m not.”

“You are,” Peter disagreed immediately. “And I’m really looking forward to telling you that I told you so.”

With that, the teenager walked away, leaving a half stunned, half amused sorcerer in his wake.

But Stephen couldn’t stay stunned for long. He opened a portal and stepped through to the Sanctum’s library, where he promptly collapsed to the floor.

Several hours later, Stephen woke slowly, now in his own bed. The cloak was draped across him, providing additional warmth and security. His head was throbbing, likely from where it struck the hardwood floor when he passed out. As he sat up, the right side of his body protested, leaving him to believe he had been on the floor for an extended period of time before help arrived.

Said help suddenly came into the room, grabbing him by the shoulders and forcing him back down onto the bed.

“If you even try to move, I will spell you to that bed for a month.”

Even with a decent headache, Stephen still managed to roll his eyes at Wong. “I’m fine. I’m here to help, at your insistence. We need to -”

“You need to rest,” Wong cut in. “Everything has been handled. The presence of the Guardians of the Galaxy quickly deterred any potential attacks rather effectively.”

After that information sank in, Stephen sighed. “Please don’t tell Quill that.”

“Oh, your new friend is more than aware, and quite proud.”

Stephen nodded once. “How long was I out for?”

“Not long enough,” Wong chided. “Do I even want to ask what it is you’ve done to yourself?”

“I did it for Tony.”

No further explanation was needed. Wong was able to fill in the gaps easily enough. The urge to yell at his friend died on his tongue when he saw the look on the other man’s face, the pained expression in his gray eyes.

“You need to rest,” Wong said again. “If you did what I think you did, your body is going to shut down if you don’t let it recover. Frankly, I have no idea how you went as long as you did after that.”

Stephen let his eyes slip closed, and Wong assumed that was going to be his answer. “I was waiting for him to wake up,” Stephen eventually whispered. “I didn’t want to leave him again.”

Knowing there was nothing he could say to that, and believing Stephen didn’t have the energy to go anywhere at the moment, Wong took his leave to allow the man to go back to sleep.

Throughout, Stephen was haunted by images of blades slicing through Tony’s stomach. The man he loves coughing up blood onto the burnt ground. Echoes of the words Tony had said to him ringing through the nightmares.

The next time Stephen opened his eyes, a week had passed.

*

Another week passed. Then another.

Then a month.

If nothing else, the earth was resilient. The damage inflicted by Thanos and his army was limited mostly to New York and Wakanda. Thanks in large part to Wakanda and Tony’s technology, the clean up and rebuilding efforts moved swiftly. Things had long since gotten back to normal after yet another alien invasion.

Normal for Stephen meant seeing to his responsibilities at Kamar-Taj. Studying. Meeting with the other Masters. Arguing with Wong over where they were going to get take out from.

Missing Tony.

The billionaire had been released from the hospital while Stephen was still in his Wong induced coma. His recovery was going well, but was on the slow side. Having a blade put clean through your body tended to result in a fair amount of pain. Having to deal with the return of the Rogues wasn’t helping matters, either. More than once Tony found himself wishing he had never woken up after Titan.

He didn’t know that Stephen was usually thinking the same thing.

*

The knock at the door was so faint that Stephen thought he had imagined it. No one knocked on the Sanctum door. They busted through it. Or came straight through the roof.

But then it came again, a little louder, and Stephen could tell who was on the other side well before he ever opened the door to confirm his gut feeling.

“Please tell me you have coffee.”

Miraculously, Stephen did. A very strong Tibetan brew that he himself couldn’t stand, but which Tony gulped down greedily once he was given a mug of it. Stephen was letting his own tea steep, never paying it much attention until he had given Tony a refill before sitting across from him at the high top table that was all that could fit in the small kitchen.

“Thank you,” Tony breathed after taking another long drink. “I’m sorry to just show up like this. But you aren’t exactly easy to get in touch with, and I was outside before I even really thought about it.”

“Is everything okay?” Stephen asked, not entirely sure he wanted the answer.

A heavy sigh came before Tony spoke. “Yeah, for the most part I guess. Fury has been haunting me since I woke up to come see you.”

Stephen raised an eyebrow. “I’m not joining the Avengers.”

Tony released an empty laugh. “Neither am I. He just wants to know that if something like this happens again that he can count on you to step up.”

“I’ll always do what I have to to protect Earth.”

“That’s what I told him,” Tony said with a slight nod.

“So why are you here?”

“Because you saved my life, so I figured the least I could do is thank you in person.”

Stephen shook his head once. “You don’t need to thank me.”

“From what Peter tells me, I do.”

“What did he tell you?” Stephen inquired, trying to keep his voice casual.

Tony set his mug down, but kept his hands wrapped around the warmth it was providing. “Something along the lines of you not being able to let go of my hand because you were using magic to keep me alive.”

“Teenagers and their imaginations,” Stephen hummed.

“Stephen.” Tony’s voice was soft and barely above a whisper. “Please don’t lie to me.”

The sorcerer dropped his eyes to the table between where their hands were resting. He had heard the other man make that request far too many times throughout their years together. Stephen’s hesitation was coming from his fear that Tony couldn’t remember what happened, and any information Stephen provided would inadvertently manipulate the other man in some way.

“I remember,” Tony said, as if he could read Stephen’s mind. “Obviously not what happened after I passed out. But between Thanos stabbing me and losing consciousness, I remember.”

It took Stephen a moment to be able to respond. “All I did was keep you alive until we could get you into surgery.”

Tony cocked his head. “ _All_ you did? You say that like you didn’t do something impossible.”

“Well, it’s not impossible,” Stephen mused. “Just not utilized due to the fact that it’s, uh, kind of forbidden.”

“What did you do?”

He was sure Tony already knew, but decided to take the opportunity to tell him the truth while it was there. “I used my life force to keep you alive. A rather simple spell, really.”

“So what – what does that do to you?” Tony asked. “Are you okay?”

Stephen nodded. “I’m fine. Just had to sleep it off.”

“And that’s it?”

“You’re alive. Peter is safe. Thanos is dead.” Stephen let out a long breath. “Yeah, I’d say that covers just about everything.”

The silence that followed wasn’t uncomfortable despite its weight. The two men sat there, looking at each other, their eyes saying more than words would be able to.

And yet, Tony decided he was going to try.

“I meant what I said.”

Such a simple sentence still managed to knock the air from Stephen’s lungs. The sincerity in Tony’s eyes was something Stephen was more than familiar with. He wished he could say the same for himself.

While he got his breath back, Stephen nodded. “I know. You’ve never been a liar.”

“I lied when I told you I moved on.”

“Why are you here, Tony?”

Tears suddenly appeared in Tony’s eyes, sliding down his cheeks when he tried to blink them away. Once they were out, he made no move to wipe them away. He didn’t have the energy to care.

“I don’t know,” Tony admitted weakly. “I don’t know what to do, Stephen.”

“You don’t have to do anything.” Stephen had to stop himself from reaching out and covering Tony’s hands with his own. “I didn’t – this wasn’t to make you forgive me.”

Tony swallowed. “What if I already have?”

“I don’t understand.”

A sharp laugh came from Tony. “Neither do I.”

Stephen willed his heart to stop racing. “What are you trying to say?”

“You tell me. You looked into the future, right?”

“I didn’t see this far. Once I saw how to win, that was it.”

“Well can ya do me a favor and take another look? Let me know what the hell I’m supposed to do now?”

The faintest of smiles tugged at Stephen’s lips. “It doesn’t work that way.”

“So how does it work?”

“I can’t tell you that,” Stephen replied with a shrug. “If I ever had any idea what I was doing, we wouldn’t be where we are now.”

Tony’s eyes were gleaming with fresh, unshed tears. “Where do you think we would be? If none of this had ever happened to us?”

Stephen had to clear his throat to be able to respond. “All I know is where I wanted us to be.”

“Which is?”

“Together.”

“Simple as that?”

His own tears started stinging Stephen’s eyes. “I wish it could be, yeah.”

For a long time, Tony was perfectly still, looking back across the small table at Stephen. Then his hand uncurled from its place around the mug and stretched out, carefully settling over Stephen’s scarred one.

“Me too.”

Unwilling to let another silence fall, Stephen forced himself to find his voice. “How are you feeling?”

“Still sore,” Tony admitted. His fingers were absently tracing the lines spanning the back of Stephen’s hand. “I have trouble sleeping. But all in all, way better than I would have been if not for you.” Gray eyes fell from brown ones to watch Tony’s finger mapping his hand. “Are you okay?”

The taller man nodded once. “Fine.”

“Stephen.”

A heavy sigh filled the air between them. “You know I’m not okay. I haven’t been for a long time.”

“I didn’t come here to torment you.”

“I don’t think that. I know you’re not capable of being cruel.”

“Not to you, anyway.”

Stephen lifted his eyes back to Tony. “Not at all.”

Tony’s finger grazed over Stephen’s skin for over five minutes before he spoke again.

“I don’t know where we go from here,” he started. “But I think at this point it’s irrational to think we’ll be able to keep completely separate lives.”

“If that’s what you want -”

“I know what I _want_ ,” Tony interjected gently. “The problem is what I need. Which is a lot less clear to me and is causing all of these issues currently spiraling in my head.”

Stephen wished he could feel more of Tony’s skin against his. “So what are you suggesting?”

“I don’t really know,” Tony answered honestly. “The only thing that I can think of that makes any sense is to start over.”

At that, Tony withdrew his hand back to his side of the table. It took all of Stephen’s strength to keep himself from reaching out and grabbing onto him again. Tony’s last statement wasn’t the clearest, but Stephen certainly wanted to hear whatever else he had to say.

“You mean – for us to start over?” Stephen asked.

Tony nodded slightly. “I have no idea what that means, or how we do that. All I know is that I can’t pretend you don’t exist anymore, but I also can’t shrug off two years of...” he trailed off for a moment. “I’m not saying that I want to get back together. I have zero intentions of leading you on or making promises I have no idea if I can keep or not. I don’t know that I’ll ever be in that place again. If we ever will. But – fuck, Stephen. We’ve spent pretty much twice as long apart as we have together, and despite that there’s no doubt in my mind that we are way better when we’re in each other’s lives than we are when we’re not.”

“That’s the understatement of the year,” Stephen thought out loud more than said, earning a small smile from Tony. “You’re sure about this?”

“I’m sure that anything we have coming at us is nothing to compared to what we’ve already been through. And if I stand any chance at getting through the next thing that’s thrown at me, I need you.”

A vice grip settled itself firmly around Stephen’s windpipe. He made no attempt at trying to fight down the emotion clawing at his heart. At a point, when he assumed he was okay, he opened his mouth to reply but all that came out was a choked sob.

Tony was out of his seat and pulling Stephen into a tight hug before the still sitting of the pair was able to realize it. That did not, in any way, result in any hesitation towards returning the embrace. Their height difference was erased by the fact that Stephen was still in his chair, but didn’t hamper them. Stephen buried his face against Tony’s neck as the tears came, while the other man sifted his fingers through Stephen’s soft hair and breathed in the scent of the man he had loved his entire life.

Nothing was necessarily solved. They hadn’t fixed everything, or really even anything that had gone wrong between them.

But that could come later. For now, they just held each other as if their strength could put the other back together.

And maybe it could.


End file.
